I sometimes worry that I'm losing touch with my faith. Since I am between church families and not working at a church anymore, I feel as though I'm not living out my faith as "out front" as I was before. And it bothers me. Sure, I'm going to seminary right now and reading a lot about theology, but this makes faith becomes more of an academic endeavor than personal. So, I guess that means it's time to start getting serious about finding a more permanent church home; or do I go back to where I was worshiping. This is one of "the questions" that I'm dealing with right now.
I was born and raised Lutheran. I'm currently attending a Lutheran seminary. I have a hard time thinking about leaving the Lutheran church. In the past, I've been very coy about my denominational thinking that it really doesn't matter what type of church you attend because it's all about God. And to some extent I still believe that. More important to me now, though, is does the theology and service meet my needs. The name of the game for me: liberal theology and no organ.
Maybe my expectations are just too high. That's what my "current" church set for me. I'm really looking for another church like this. So I continue to ask the question of myself: do I go back? After being hurt so badly by them, do I take the risk and say, "this is my church and more importantly God's church.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Trying to control the uncontrollable. If that's not like a hamster running on a wheel, I don't know what else it is. Yet, everyone seems to get lost in trying to control an outcome to a situation or force others to behave in another way. The problem with this is that we don't always get to control situations or people don't behave like we want them to. Frankly, that sucks!
Today I'm thinking about grief. I know, it's a funny subject to be thinking about during the holiday season yet; it's what's on my mind. I think it's because I know so many people dealing with substantial changes in their lives. And with change comes death to something else. And with death, comes grief. This is true whether the change is good or bad; planned or unplanned; wanted or not wanted. Change brings death to something else.
The question that enters my mind is why "we" are so reluctant to let people grieve? Is it because seeing someone else in grief reminds us of our own unresolved pain? Is it because grief is so raw? Is it that we believe that we don't have a right to grieve? Of course, I don't have the answer to any of these questions. But I do know that when I am in pain, to not receive empathy for that pain or to be told that I have past the point when I should still be in pain is extraordinarily hurtful. In fact, it just adds to the pain.
I know someone whose husband unexpect
The question that enters my mind is why "we" are so reluctant to let people grieve? Is it because seeing someone else in grief reminds us of our own unresolved pain? Is it because grief is so raw? Is it that we believe that we don't have a right to grieve? Of course, I don't have the answer to any of these questions. But I do know that when I am in pain, to not receive empathy for that pain or to be told that I have past the point when I should still be in pain is extraordinarily hurtful. In fact, it just adds to the pain.
I know someone whose husband unexpect
Monday, July 13, 2009
Let Go of the Outcome
There are times when I feel so strongly about advocating for those who have been mistreated for really any reason. Especially those who have been pushed out because someone else targeted them. And then I have days like today where I think I am still not healed enough to be truly effective. If I don’t feel heard, I just keep pushing and pushing. Maybe that’s a good thing. But I think it’s also important to know when to stop pushing. To just shine the light and let go of the outcome.
As I self-evaluate, I think it may be due to the fact I have often felt so alone in my struggles. While people may support me one-on-one, they do not go to bat very often for me when it truly matters. Since I am so used to carry my burdens alone, I am very tenancies and persistent in my pursuit of justice. However, passion overused becomes obsession. It’s a very tenuous line to walk. Maybe this is where it’s important to pray and listen for the Spirit’s guidance. This is an important lesson for me to focus on for the future.
As I self-evaluate, I think it may be due to the fact I have often felt so alone in my struggles. While people may support me one-on-one, they do not go to bat very often for me when it truly matters. Since I am so used to carry my burdens alone, I am very tenancies and persistent in my pursuit of justice. However, passion overused becomes obsession. It’s a very tenuous line to walk. Maybe this is where it’s important to pray and listen for the Spirit’s guidance. This is an important lesson for me to focus on for the future.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
You Asked For It!
I’m currently doing lots of research about workplace bullying for my master’s program. Especially interesting is the different ways bullies and/or organizations respond to a target’s report of bullying. Overwhelmingly, targets are not believed. Scary. After months of enduring psychological torture that eats away at the very core of your being, you are told it didn’t happen. It couldn’t have happened. You are too sensitive, crazy, or deserved it somehow.
Sounds a lot like how reports of rape used to be treated.
In my own experience, I have been totally discounted by the leaders at the church. My bully was a popular and charismatic pastor who presented a compassionate persona. He seemed to embody the very essence of the servant or Level 5 leader. His sermons were inspiring, motivating people to live Church beyond Sunday morning and into the week.
But behind closed doors, it was a different story. This empathetic and selfless person turned into a manipulative, cruel monster. He had the most unbelievable ability to discover your soft underbelly and lodge multiple attacks at it. When you tried to protect or stand up for yourself, all of sudden, you were the problem. “You didn’t hear me right.” “You can’t take feedback.” “You have to decide why I have so much power over you.” Or my favorite, “You need to hear this. It’s for your own good.” This of course was followed by, “I love and care for you.” Yes, the Jekyll and Hyde bully is a tough one. Especially since once confronted, they become the victim.
When I finally spoke up, I was told by others that I had hurt him so badly. He had been so gracious to me and this is how I repaid him. I was told my side was wrong – I was told this by someone who wasn’t even present. I had one of my former teammates (who also happens to be a pastor) that I should be coming back asking for mercy and forgiveness. And my favorite, my depression made me see things incorrectly or made me too sensitive. Ahh yes, she’s crazy. You see, if you can blame the victim, then your actions weren’t wrong, cruel, or unethical. It’s her fault.
Believe me, that message was certainly drilled into me. I left that job and church feeling as though I was the biggest waste of skin to ever walk the face of the earth. I should be thankful they ever let me amongst them. And I should be ashamed at how I took advantage of the support and kindness they freely offered to me.
I understand that each of us is simultaneously saint and sinner. Every day we wage a battle against our sinful self and hope it doesn’t win. But here’s the thing, we all make mistakes. We all let the critical voices, the insecurities, and fears control us sometimes. If can’t admit when that happens, however, we hurt both ourselves and others. I truly believe the denial of my former pastor stems from his inability to admit his sinful self was in control. It was easier to project his sin onto me. If he could transfer is sin to me and then cast me out into the wilderness, than he could continue on. But here’s the problem, you can’t transfer your sin to someone else. You may momentarily be able to convince yourself the demons aren’t there, but they will resurface. Only this time, they will be stronger and harder to deny. In fact, they will disguise themselves as truth, love, and servanthood. A veritable bevy of wolves in sheep’s clothing. And that’s what makes them so insidious.
So what’s the answer? Well, for those of us who are targets, it’s constantly reminding ourselves that we did nothing to deserve our treatment. No one deserves to be psychological abused or tortured. Ethical people build you up, even when addressing tough stuff. Also, remember that often what the bully is saying to us, they are truly saying to themselves. It’s not about us, it’s about them and their insecurities and fears. If we acknowledge that, we can begin the process of rebuilding our core self and reclaim the Divine goodness that lives within us all.
Sounds a lot like how reports of rape used to be treated.
In my own experience, I have been totally discounted by the leaders at the church. My bully was a popular and charismatic pastor who presented a compassionate persona. He seemed to embody the very essence of the servant or Level 5 leader. His sermons were inspiring, motivating people to live Church beyond Sunday morning and into the week.
But behind closed doors, it was a different story. This empathetic and selfless person turned into a manipulative, cruel monster. He had the most unbelievable ability to discover your soft underbelly and lodge multiple attacks at it. When you tried to protect or stand up for yourself, all of sudden, you were the problem. “You didn’t hear me right.” “You can’t take feedback.” “You have to decide why I have so much power over you.” Or my favorite, “You need to hear this. It’s for your own good.” This of course was followed by, “I love and care for you.” Yes, the Jekyll and Hyde bully is a tough one. Especially since once confronted, they become the victim.
When I finally spoke up, I was told by others that I had hurt him so badly. He had been so gracious to me and this is how I repaid him. I was told my side was wrong – I was told this by someone who wasn’t even present. I had one of my former teammates (who also happens to be a pastor) that I should be coming back asking for mercy and forgiveness. And my favorite, my depression made me see things incorrectly or made me too sensitive. Ahh yes, she’s crazy. You see, if you can blame the victim, then your actions weren’t wrong, cruel, or unethical. It’s her fault.
Believe me, that message was certainly drilled into me. I left that job and church feeling as though I was the biggest waste of skin to ever walk the face of the earth. I should be thankful they ever let me amongst them. And I should be ashamed at how I took advantage of the support and kindness they freely offered to me.
I understand that each of us is simultaneously saint and sinner. Every day we wage a battle against our sinful self and hope it doesn’t win. But here’s the thing, we all make mistakes. We all let the critical voices, the insecurities, and fears control us sometimes. If can’t admit when that happens, however, we hurt both ourselves and others. I truly believe the denial of my former pastor stems from his inability to admit his sinful self was in control. It was easier to project his sin onto me. If he could transfer is sin to me and then cast me out into the wilderness, than he could continue on. But here’s the problem, you can’t transfer your sin to someone else. You may momentarily be able to convince yourself the demons aren’t there, but they will resurface. Only this time, they will be stronger and harder to deny. In fact, they will disguise themselves as truth, love, and servanthood. A veritable bevy of wolves in sheep’s clothing. And that’s what makes them so insidious.
So what’s the answer? Well, for those of us who are targets, it’s constantly reminding ourselves that we did nothing to deserve our treatment. No one deserves to be psychological abused or tortured. Ethical people build you up, even when addressing tough stuff. Also, remember that often what the bully is saying to us, they are truly saying to themselves. It’s not about us, it’s about them and their insecurities and fears. If we acknowledge that, we can begin the process of rebuilding our core self and reclaim the Divine goodness that lives within us all.
Monday, July 6, 2009
All Are Welcome* (*Except those who . . .)
Let’s face it; most of us want to be part of a group. It starts in elementary school and continues through the rest of our lives. In my neighborhood, there are a group of women who spend a weekend in the cities to “get away.” I’m never invited. I’d like to say it doesn’t bother me, but it does. You see, I’ve been on the outside looking in for much of my life. Feeling excluded – tough stuff.
As I’ve been researching for my capstone on workplace bullying, I come across some interesting information on the power of exclusion and the damage it inflicts on the one being excluded. Here is just a small sampling:
So, excluding someone or giving them the silent treatment is truly akin to beating the person up. However, the bruises and scars can’t be seen. That’s what makes it so insidious.
As I reflect on my church experience, I can tell you the ostracizing and rejection has been the most painful. Although I don’t like it, I can handle flat out, in-your-face aggression much better than the passive-aggressive attack of silence. It screams at me, letting me know I don’t matter. And really, isn’t that the intent. It’s an extraordinarily powerful punishment.
Lewis Smedes wrote an excellent book entitled “Shame and Grace.” In this book, he talks about our greatest fear regarding shame is rejection by a community. BINGO! Rejecting someone by refusing to acknowledge their existence sends a clear message – there is something wrong with YOU. Not your actions, not your behaviors, but YOU. YOU are so horrible that I refuse to even acknowledge your very existence.
If you Google “shunning by church” or “church discipline”, the majority (and dare I say all) of the responses relate to conservative or evangelical churches. A minister or elder judges someone’s actions to be sinful and takes in upon themselves to demand repentance or expulsion from the church body. But here’s the ugly truth – it happens in liberal congregations as well. But, their actions are much more covert and passive aggressive. Often, the liberal congregations just make it so hostile that it is impossible to worship there. They stonewall you, prevent you from participating, and spread rumors about you. Some will even break ethical codes to share things with other to recruit others to help them in their campaign to let you know you are not worthy or welcome.
This is not what Jesus preaches. And it is wrong.
Jesus embraced those whom society and the synagogues deemed unworthy and rejected. Jesus did most of his work in the streets, not in the temple. I often wonder if Jesus would enter many of churches today, overturn tables, and call many of the leaders and members hypocrites. Jesus preached a Gospel of inclusion, of acceptance, and of love.
Last time I checked, there was no asterisk to Jesus’ message. All are loved because they are precious creations of God. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul; love your neighbor as yourself. That's all we really need.
As I’ve been researching for my capstone on workplace bullying, I come across some interesting information on the power of exclusion and the damage it inflicts on the one being excluded. Here is just a small sampling:
"Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done. Some purposely hurt others by not inviting them to a party or ignoring them at work, and others may not even realize they are ostracizing someone when they ignore a new temporary employee or a friend after a disagreement.”
"The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment you are causing that person physical pain. Simply by ignoring someone else’s existence you can inflict pain on them.”
So, excluding someone or giving them the silent treatment is truly akin to beating the person up. However, the bruises and scars can’t be seen. That’s what makes it so insidious.
As I reflect on my church experience, I can tell you the ostracizing and rejection has been the most painful. Although I don’t like it, I can handle flat out, in-your-face aggression much better than the passive-aggressive attack of silence. It screams at me, letting me know I don’t matter. And really, isn’t that the intent. It’s an extraordinarily powerful punishment.
Lewis Smedes wrote an excellent book entitled “Shame and Grace.” In this book, he talks about our greatest fear regarding shame is rejection by a community. BINGO! Rejecting someone by refusing to acknowledge their existence sends a clear message – there is something wrong with YOU. Not your actions, not your behaviors, but YOU. YOU are so horrible that I refuse to even acknowledge your very existence.
If you Google “shunning by church” or “church discipline”, the majority (and dare I say all) of the responses relate to conservative or evangelical churches. A minister or elder judges someone’s actions to be sinful and takes in upon themselves to demand repentance or expulsion from the church body. But here’s the ugly truth – it happens in liberal congregations as well. But, their actions are much more covert and passive aggressive. Often, the liberal congregations just make it so hostile that it is impossible to worship there. They stonewall you, prevent you from participating, and spread rumors about you. Some will even break ethical codes to share things with other to recruit others to help them in their campaign to let you know you are not worthy or welcome.
This is not what Jesus preaches. And it is wrong.
Jesus embraced those whom society and the synagogues deemed unworthy and rejected. Jesus did most of his work in the streets, not in the temple. I often wonder if Jesus would enter many of churches today, overturn tables, and call many of the leaders and members hypocrites. Jesus preached a Gospel of inclusion, of acceptance, and of love.
Last time I checked, there was no asterisk to Jesus’ message. All are loved because they are precious creations of God. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul; love your neighbor as yourself. That's all we really need.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Random Musings . . .
It had been a long time since I last blogged. I really have no good excuse except I felt as though I had no insights to work through or share. In fact, my mind has felt foggy for quite a while now. It’s something that frustrates me greatly. I relish being able to tame my wild mind into logical and sequential thoughts that I can make sense of. I find great comfort in being able to analyze and discover epiphanies.
I know this is a side effect of the med changes I’ve been undergoing the past five months. First, an unsuccessful attempt at a new med. My body just said – nope, ain’t going to happen. After suffering through withdrawal symptoms and a definite downward slide into the pit, I went back onto the meds I was on. A big feeling of disappointment. Even though I intellectually know this was not my fault, but my body chemistry at work, I still have felt defeated. It’s hard to admit that.
Contributing to the struggle, I have discovered the extent of the betrayal I experienced at the hands of a trust Pastor. I’ve known for awhile that he talked about things he shouldn’t have; passed off his insecurities and assumptions as “the truth.” But I had been in denial at just how insidious and frankly, wrong his actions were. I continue to be amazed at the people who continue to protect him and justify his actions. It’s easy to make me out as the enemy or discount my perspective because I live with a mental illness. All too common a defense when someone takes advantage of another. And sad that someone is so fragile they feel they have to discredit and tear down another person.
However, there is victory in the knowledge that now I know. I know how wrong this person’s actions are and it really doesn’t matter if others believe me. While I have to live with the consequences and shame, I constantly remind myself that I don’t have to live the fact I hurt someone else so deeply. I didn’t protect someone or participate in the attacks. I have to turn this over to the great Power and be patient that what comes around, goes around.
I know this is a side effect of the med changes I’ve been undergoing the past five months. First, an unsuccessful attempt at a new med. My body just said – nope, ain’t going to happen. After suffering through withdrawal symptoms and a definite downward slide into the pit, I went back onto the meds I was on. A big feeling of disappointment. Even though I intellectually know this was not my fault, but my body chemistry at work, I still have felt defeated. It’s hard to admit that.
Contributing to the struggle, I have discovered the extent of the betrayal I experienced at the hands of a trust Pastor. I’ve known for awhile that he talked about things he shouldn’t have; passed off his insecurities and assumptions as “the truth.” But I had been in denial at just how insidious and frankly, wrong his actions were. I continue to be amazed at the people who continue to protect him and justify his actions. It’s easy to make me out as the enemy or discount my perspective because I live with a mental illness. All too common a defense when someone takes advantage of another. And sad that someone is so fragile they feel they have to discredit and tear down another person.
However, there is victory in the knowledge that now I know. I know how wrong this person’s actions are and it really doesn’t matter if others believe me. While I have to live with the consequences and shame, I constantly remind myself that I don’t have to live the fact I hurt someone else so deeply. I didn’t protect someone or participate in the attacks. I have to turn this over to the great Power and be patient that what comes around, goes around.
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