Meeting Other's Where They Are. . .

Today I'm thinking about grief. I know; it's a funny subject to be thinking about during the holiday season yet; it's what's on my mind. I think it's because I know so many people dealing with substantial changes in their lives. And with change comes death to something else. And with death, comes grief. This is true whether the change is good or bad; planned or unplanned; wanted or not wanted. Change brings death to something else.

The question that enters my mind is why "we" are so reluctant to let people grieve? Is it because seeing someone else in grief reminds us of our own unresolved pain? Is it because grief is so raw? Is it that we believe that we don't have a right to grieve? Of course, I don't have the answer to any of these questions. But I do know that when I am in pain, to not receive empathy or to be told that I have past the point when I should still be in pain is extraordinarily hurtful. In fact, it just adds to the pain because on top of my original pain, I now feel guilty and ashamed for having not moved on. So then I lie. When people ask how I am doing, I just plain out lie and say "good" For me, "good" is always code for "I feel AWFUL."

So what to do. . .

I was recently talking with someone whose husband unexpectedly asked for a divorce three weeks ago. She already has people suggesting to her that she should move on. Why? Because obviously, the marriage is over. While I know the people who are saying these things are trying to help, it's not their place. I had people say this to me to as I was in the early stages of dealing with my betrayal. "Just get over it." "You know, you are just going to have to accept this and move on." Or my absolute favorite (she says with sarcastic tone) "Let it go." I HATE that phrase. I hate all those phrases because they imply that I can't grieve on my time table. No one else can create a timetable for someone else to grieve. It's just that simple.

I know what you may be thinking "Catherine, there comes a point when you need a good swift kick in the butt. You are letting it overtake your life." I agree that we all need truth tellers in our life who will help us see things with perspective. However, truth tellers also have a responsibility to tell the truth without blame or judgment. For me, that means not telling someone it's time to "let it go." It means helping them see their path, not the path that I think they should take.

It's often said that friends are those who walk in when others are walking out. From my experience, this is a true friend. When you are in deep pain, they don't question why you are in pain, they are just there. They meet you where you are and walk WITH you. In 1 Corinthians 12, the apostle Paul uses the metaphor of a human body when talking about the Church and it's members. In one verse, he says that when one member of the body suffers, all suffer. Subsequently, when we ignore another's pain, we cause ourselves prolonged pain as well. Being a fellow member of the Body of Christ means doing what we can to help heal other parts. In a world full of suffering, we can bring the promised relief or wiping away of tears by just being an emotionally safe place for those in need. We can provide rest for the weary and help ease another's burden for just a short time. It is in that place that true fellowship and love exists.

Ramblings on Oz

Last night, my family watched that Christmas classic The Wizard of Oz. I say that tongue in cheek because I don't necessarily equate The Wizard of Oz with Christmas. But hey, CBS used to run it every Easter so it could considered a "holiday classic." Right?

Anyway, I have to say I do enjoy this movie. I'm not obsessed with it like some people, but it does speak to me on many different levels. How often do we wish to go somewhere else because where we isn't working for us? Wouldn't it be great to have a yellow brick road to follow? How about companions on your journey, providing you help and support?

We often look for easy answers to solve our problems. Going over the rainbow to a new and glorious place seems so tempting at times, but it is not the answer. So often the problems follow us and continue to plague us just like the Wicked Witch of the East. The problem doesn't go away until we take responsibility to solve it. And like Dorothy, the answer is usually within us the whole time. Sometimes we just need to take our own journey through corn fields, apple orchards, and scary forests to find it. Because maybe the things we encounter along the path are what help us discover what IS within us.

Check Please

I read recently that if you have a bad experience at a restaurant, you usually don’t totally give up eating. Honestly, that would be a bit ridiculous. However, this is typically what happens when someone has been wounded by a church. Not only do we give up on church, we give up on God. Now I’m not implying that churches and restaurants provide the same type of “service” however, there is a component of customer service within the church. In fact, it’s what the church is built on – serving our neighbor.

When I think of my church experience, I could equate it to a restaurant. This church was “recommended” by a friend, so my family and I went. We liked what was on the menu, we liked the service, and we liked the people so we did what anybody does when they have a good experience, we came back. But when I started having bad experiences (or bad “service”), it was my fault. So I do what many consumers do, I voted with my feet. But I missed the menu, service and people, so I thought I would try it again. However, the “service” still was disappointing. Again, it was my fault.

Can you imagine going to a restaurant and having the restaurant manager tell you that you were at fault for the bad service? You were too direct, your expectations were too high, and you weren’t patient enough. They probably wouldn’t stay in business very long. Yet, this is exactly what so many churches do. When there is a problem, the person who brings the problem IS the problem. It begs the question – is this good customer service?

I know that many of you are thinking: Catherine, this is the church you’re talking about, not some business. In some respects, that is true. However, churches do provide an important service and honestly, a product. In fact, we could say that churches have many products from spiritual growth to mission work in the community. We advertise that our churches provide fellowship, a relationship with God, grace, forgiveness, and much more. So whose fault is it when we, as “customers” are disappointed in our experience?

I would say it’s a shared responsibility. We, as members of the church, advertise based on God’s direction. We do set the expectation. When we fail the meet those expectations, each party has a part in coming to an agreement. There needs to be honest discussions that are solution-focused and Spirit-driven. It is then and only then that expectations can be reset and resolution can happen.

We don’t do this well. It is easier to ignore the problem or make the person bringing forward the problem THE problem. If the person goes away, so will the problem. I have to believe that this is not the type of “customer service” that Jesus preached. We all have a responsibility to keep the church healthy. We must have the courage to both address conflict and resolve it. Otherwise, consumers will continue to vote with their feet. And when that happens, nobody wins.

Who's Pain is Greater?

I had the opportunity to hear the most amazing speaker last night. This gentleman was parent of three bi-polar children. He has a brother who has schizophrenia, he lost his wife to cancer, and he himself has both ADHD and a mood disorder. One of the things that he related in his story were things that he had learned, specifically to not judge our own pain in relation to his. His reasoning was that everyone's pain is individual and by comparing pains, we often times minimize our own and then, cannot deal with it.

This really resonated with me as I continue down my healing path. It is easy for me to minimize my own experience, especially since I have felt that at times, others has discounted my experiences. It's true that if we deny our experiences, we can actually lengthen the time it takes to heal. Acknowledging pain and hurt is healthy. It's when we allow ourselves to be consumed with it that it becomes unhealthy. For me, that is always the balance I am trying to achieve.

Hypocrisy

There are days I feel like a hypocrite. Yesterday was one of those days. I received a Caring Bridge link for someone whose young daughter is going through cancer treatment. Caring Bridge is a great site and way to keep large number of people up-to-date during crises. One of the features I really enjoy is the ability to go on and leave a message for the family. I appreciate this because frankly, I have the best of intentions for sending cards to people, but fail miserably in actually doing it. So yesterday, I found myself going on this Caring Bridge and leaving a message of support for this family. In it I shared my favorite pieces of comfort: when God feels the furthest, God’s not. It is during this time that God, through the Spirit, is holding your heart in precious embrace.

And as I wrote this I thought – HYPOCRITE.

You see, I’ve been going through this period where I have cut myself off from God. I have enough theology to know that God has not abandoned me, it is me that has shut my heart to God. Why have I distanced myself from God? Well there are many reasons. I have been betrayed by a number of clergy recently. I’ve lost my faith family. I’ve lost relationships with people who I thought were friends. The thread that runs through this whole experience has been this all happened with people who proclaim to be Christians. Last week was the tipping point for me. I got fed with the hypocrisy of church leaders, who say one thing and then do the complete opposite; who refuse to address issues but instead hide behind labels and positions. I shut myself off to God because of these people’s actions. Frankly, I’m surprised it’s taken this long for it to happen.

Then I wrote those words of comfort to this family dealing with extraordinary tragedy and it hit me – this is also what I needed to hear. I too needed to be reminded that I can’t feel God’s presence because God is holding my heart in precious embrace. With this realization, I found my heart softening to God a bit. I found myself reaching out in prayer for the first time in many weeks. I know the Spirit is at work, reminding me that I am not alone. God did not cause God’s servants to hurt me. This is their own free will, their own personal fears and insecurities that cause them to wound me and prevent them from reaching out to me as a fellow member of the Body of Christ. However, God still loves and cares for me and good will continue to come out of this experience. The Spirit also reminds me that they are also God’s precious creations, simultaneously saint and sinner, just like me.

How will this part of the journey end? I don’t know. What I do know is that parts of it will continue to test my personal strength, faith, and my ability to forgive others for what they have done to me. As I work to break through my protective walls, I hope that I can see them in the same way I want them to see me – as a precious child of God and a fellow member of the Body of Christ.

Confronting the Brutal Facts

Emotional abuse. Non-sexual clergy abuse. Psychological abuse. Spiritual abuse. Icky, icky words, yet it is happening within our churches. But what is even scarier is that church leadership is ignoring it. The results are people are leaving churches with their faith and trust shattered. How do you regain trust after being betrayed by ordained clergy? Aren’t these the people whom you are supposed to trust?

In my opinion, what is so insidious about non-sexual clergy abuse is the secondary wounding that occurs. With me, the clergy that emotionally abused me was popular and charismatic. He exuded warmth, caring, and empathy. In front of people, he would say wonderful things about you, but it was a different story behind closed doors. Without witnesses, the attacks were personal and manipulative. When someone knows your most intimate secrets and buttons, they have a lot of power. When they use that knowledge as a weapon against you, it is horrific. My sense of self was shattered like a glass dropped on a tile floor. Although I am gluing the pieces back together, I will never be the same. There will always be parts of me that will be weaker. The joints that have been glued back together will show like scars.

Like many denominations, mine has extensive rules and guidelines related to sexual misconduct. They even admit that this is not a widespread problem, yet have spent countless hours assuring that both they and congregation members are protected from this threat. On their website, their first statements are related to how the “victim” should be treated. According to them, care of the victim is paramount. Victims are afforded confidentiality, pastoral counseling to help them realize it was not their fault, and they are made aware of every step that will be taken prior to it being taken. It’s interesting that one of their statements says that in order to address this issue, victims need to have the courage to come forward.

While the denomination has detailed information related to sexual misconduct, emotional and spiritual (non-sexual misconduct) is nowhere to be found. The effects on the person are just as traumatic, although in a different way, yet the church refuses to address this much more prevalent threat to the life of the church. I had the courage to come forward with my story and found excuses, blaming the victim, and shunning. I have experienced betrayal and rules changed to fit inappropriate behavior instead. In addition, avoidance has been the name of the game. Through it all, I have been made to feel that I am overreacting. I’m too emotional and “time is needed to heal.” From my perspective, this is disrespectful and patronizing.

It’s easy for others to say, “Well, just find another church.” “It’s time to let this go.” I do see their point of view. It is easy to let my hurt, shame, need for justice or even just my simple need for acknowledgment of my experience to consume me. I know that people experience much worse things than I have. I know the church is full of hypocrites. I know the problem is their inability to confront the brutal facts that have been presented to them. However, that still does not negate the fact that I have been hurt to the very core of my being. I have experienced betrayal from the very people that should know better. It does cause me to ask what is God’s purpose in this all? Maybe that’s the next part of this journey. What I do know is that there is a crisis within many churches, and it’s not just limited to evangelical and fundamentalist denominations. My wounding happened within the most liberal branch of the Lutheran church and within the most liberal church within my community. And if those of us who have been mistreated, wounded, and abused do not have the courage to stand up, this will never change. Healing. I know it will come. I just wish the process was less painful and quicker.

Who Do We Think We Are?

Today, I'm thinking about equality. Maybe it's because I've received a number of notices about the passage of Proposition 8 as well as Arkansas and Florida voting for anti-equality legislation. I still have a hard time understanding why, in this day and age, so many people harbor such resentment against those who they consider to be different than they are. The funny thing is, if you really think about it, every single person is different that us. Pure and simple, this is oppression.

In many ways, I am very lucky. I'm a heterosexual, white married woman with two children. I live a middle class lifestyle. In my life, I truly have no laws that prevent me from some of the most basic human rights. I often wonder what it would be like if all of sudden, a group of people who didn't know me decided that I could no longer enjoy the benefits of having a spouse. I could no longer make decisions for my spouse, I would be denied health benefits, or discriminated against because I was married to someone this group didn't approve of. Frankly, it would be awful. Yet that's what so many people do.

Jesus teaches us that it is not our job to judge others. This is a key theme within the New Testament. From saying that we shouldn't point out the speck in someone else eye when we have a log in our own to flat out saying that's God's job to judge another. Isn't that what we are doing here? Aren't we judging someone else based on our "logs?" If we believe that we, as humans, are created in God's image, doesn't that apply to EVERYONE! We are called to love God and love our neighbor. And our neighbor includes everyone, not just those who we like or are like us. We don't have to agree or like someone else's choices. Because if we aren't careful, someone who doesn't like our choice will make laws against us.

Speaking the Truth

Why is it so hard to speak the truth? Or maybe, why are we afraid to speak the truth? It's interesting to me why it is so hard for people to say what needs to be said. I had an interesting conversation with a friend today about just this very subject. It takes a lot of guts to say the truth, to speak the unspeakable, to say the unpopular. I can honestly say that my penchant for speaking out has gotten me into a lot of trouble. It has been career limiting for me and has cost me relationship with people. There has been a price for my decision to speak out in certain circumstances. Yet, I continue to do it.

The other part of this equation that is so interesting to me is that often times, there are others who feel the same way that I do. They see the same things, have the same concerns, and may have even spoken about it, yet will not speak out. And to take it even a step further, often they will not support the person who does have the guts to speak out. Is it the fear of not being liked? Of not being accepted? Of being wrong?

BUT . . .nothing ever changes if we always agree. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating fighting or arguing. However, if we cannot have honest discussions about all sides of an issue or opinion, how we can know really know if it's right? I know for myself, I have to speak out, I have to ask questions, and I have to be skeptical. It's part of my nature.

I'm reading the Four-Fold Path right now. This book talks about four archetypes based on the beliefs of many indigenous people. It's a fascinating book. One of the archetypes discussed in this book is the Warrior, who is usually the leader. I know for myself, I need to get in touch even more with my Warrior self so I can stand proudly and tall, respecting both myself and others when speaking the unspeakable. Speaking the truth takes courage.

Reclaiming Myself

I took a big step this week. For the first time, I did not protect my offenders and wrote honestly about what had transpired: the manipulation, the boundary violations, the judgment by so many people. I still have a hard time believing that this would happen in church, and led by a pastor. Man. Even though I understand the difference between the vocation and the people called to serve in them, I still scratch my head. How can so many ordained clergy behave in such a disrespectful way? In such a way that is in direct conflict to Jesus' message to us. I have a hard time believing that any of them would want to be treated the way that I have been. But it's easy to justify my view because I feel wounded.

One of the things that weighs most heavily on me is I am almost certain that I will not receive a response. Avoidance - that's the name of the game. Of course, I don't even know what I would do if I did receive a response. In my wildest dreams, I envision an apology. Would that be enough? That is what is the scariest to ponder: I know that an apology wouldn't be enough. I don't think there is "enough" right now to make it right. There is no way that I will probably ever be able to worship there again. I can't go back and change the past. However, an acknowledgment that I got screwed (not such a church-y word is it) could be healing.

The one thing that I do know is that I truly have to look at this as the end. I need to find a way to make this my "endings" experience. If I don't, I'll be stuck in this neutral zone forever. My own personal desert. I hate hot. I hate being thirsty. I hate being sun burned. I hate the desert. It's time to start moving towards the Promised Land. Start looking towards the new path, which is wonderful. A place where I can celebrate my strengths versus being afraid of using them. A place where I am nurtured honestly, not just because it's expected. I am closer to the Promised Land than I was and probably closer than I think. I just have to claim it for myself!

False Evidence Appearing Real

I recently heard that the word fear can be an acronym standing for False Evidence Appearing Real. Isn’t that the truth? I can’t tell you the number of times that I fear situations or people because I think that all “evidence” must be real. But the fact is, all evidence is not real no matter how objective or true it appears. The question that I struggle with is how do I discern between the “real” and “false?”

In three weeks, I will come face to face with two people whom have been very judgmental of me. Both of them have participated in the mobbing and secondary wounding that I have experienced since leaving my church. At times, I am overtaken with fear at the thought of seeing these people. To increase my fear, there will also be people who are still members of my church at this same event. People, whom I have to assume, no nothing of what transpired between myself and church leadership except, but who know that I “disappeared” after I left my position.

Intellectually I know that nothing bad will happen. Most likely, one of the two offenders will go out of their way to ignore me. Fine by me! The other may make some sort of contact because it will look good, but that might not even occur. However, the others that are attending will want to talk to me, see what I’ve been up to, how school is going, etc. That is where my true fears lie. And besides, I’m a terrible liar. When they say, “Haven’t seen you around much” I frankly want to say, “Yes, well, not all are welcome.” Part of me thinks why shouldn’t I be honest? However, another part of me knows that it is not productive to anyone to stoop to this level. This internal conflict of what to say and what not to say frankly causes a great amount of fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear of what will be said about me back at my former church. Fear of what has been said about me already. Fear that I will lash out at the two offenders, giving them a taste of their own medicine. Fear that I will not enjoy myself at the event.
Scholars tell us that there are 365 Fear Not’s in the Bible. Yep, one for every day of the year. God tells us to not believe the false evidence. God’s evidence is the only one that matters. However, this is easier said than done. When I am overtaken by my created fear, I try to remind myself that it is tempting to react based on the false evidence. I can react differently, however. I can put on the shield of compassion, love, grace, and forgiveness. With this shield, I can react with love and kindness. And there will be nothing to fear, except the fear itself.

Appreciating Gifts

I’ve been thinking a lot about gifts lately; more specifically, my personal strengths. It’s been an interesting journey for me, to get back in touch with my strengths. Why? Well, for the past year, many of the messages that I received were that my gifts were actually weaknesses. Not only weaknesses, they were aspects that I needed to change. As I write that, I see the absolute absurdity of that statement. Yet how often do we allow individuals, companies, culture, and most importantly, ourselves, minimize our God-given strengths. It’s easy to do. How many of us go through an annual performance review where our strengths and weaknesses are compared to a predetermined set of criteria? We are told that we should be well-rounded individuals and, if we work on our weaknesses, we can attain that. And what happens we reach this pinnacle of achievement? Well if we’re lucky, it means a higher position, more money, and prestige. I think there are individuals out there can truly can become master’s of all, but for most of us, the idea of being an expert in all areas is impossible.

Personally, I have spent most of the past seven or eight years accepting both my gifts and weaknesses. As part of this journey, I have worked to appreciate the gifts that others bring to the table versus being threatened by them. For me, it’s very easy to feel inadequate when another person is able to do something that I think that I should be able to do because of my position or that I wish that I could do. It’s taken me a long time to become comfortable with the fact that relying on someone else’s strengths is not a sign of my inadequacy, but of mutual strength. It’s not been an easy journey. Like most of us, I am mercilessly plagued by the imposter syndrome. You know that syndrome – the one that if people found out what you could really do, they would be totally disappointed. Yep, that’s the one. It’s so easy for me to fall victim to this. And watch out if I do because I am like a mother bear protecting her cubs – vicious and attacking. In my more sane moments though (which is most of the time), I recognize that it is ludicrous to think that I would be able to do everything well. I also remind myself that I do not judge other people when they are not able what I can do. Fact of the matter, I like to be able to share my gifts to help someone else or the team. A recent experience reminded just how important it is for me to continue to accept my own gifts and those of others.

I am currently helping plan a Town Hall forum. Frankly, I love the organization of this whole event, especially the logistical end of it. It’s like a big puzzle to me, trying to get all the pieces to fit without any of them falling on the floor. One of the people who just joined the committee has a lot of experience in event planning. This person is so sweet and we are lucky to have her. But she started to send emails with suggestions: make sure you do this, talk to this person, etc. In addition, she pointed out some typos in some of my communications. At first, I was really taken aback, thinking to myself, “Hey, I’ve got this under control.” And then reason took over: why wouldn’t I use this person’s experience to help make this whole event run even more smoothly? Now that’s a BFO – a Blinding Flash of the Obvious. So instead of feeling threatened by her, I decided to ask if she would be in charge of set-up, using her experience to assure that the flow of traffic would be the most efficient. In addition, I asked if she would be willing to be my proofer to assure that future communications would be as error-free as possible. Using everyone’s strengths to the fullest advantage is what it is all about.

This is what God wants us to do as well. God didn’t give us our gifts to hoard them, but to use them to the greatest glory. Using them also means allow others to use their gifts. It is just like the image that Paul gives the church at Corinth. We are all part of the same body of Christ and no part is better than another. The body can’t move if its parts are all jockeying for control. We MUST all work together. It’s only then that God’s Kingdom can be realized here on earth.

Where's the Burning Bush?

Walk with me, good and loving God, as I journey through life.
May I take your hand and be led by your Holy Spirit.
Fill me, inspire me, free me to respond generously to your call.
For I believe you desire my deepest joy,
and it is only in your company
that my soul will be satisfied
and my life will find its meaning and purpose.
Amen.

Noah, Moses, Samuel, and even Jesus were lucky. God spoke directly to them, told them what they were going to be doing. That would be so awesome: hearing God speak directly through burning bush, a voice in the night, or a dove descending from the sky. But most of us aren't that lucky. Most of us don't have this burning bush moment where our direction is clear. I believe that most of us just do the best we can with what we have, which is usually an interest or strength in something. Personally, I have questioned my own calling and steps I am taking to live it out because I haven't had the burning bush moment. . . and I don't think I'm alone. However, I think I have had a burning bush, I just didn't recognize it immediately because it was disguised more as a smoldering branch.

I've known for a long time that my calling is to empower people through teaching. My teaching has taken many forms from traditional classroom teaching to one-on-one discussions to email relationships with people. It gives me great fulfillment to see people discover a new skill, gain the confidence to live out a dream, or make change they have been considering. Six months ago, I was sure that my calling would be lived out in the church. In fact, I think I was more focused on the "where" of the calling versus the "what."

In the aftermath of the"shunning" from my church, I truly questioned my calling. All this time, teaching opportunities were popping up all over: a friend started a business she had been dreaming of; training jobs kept appearing; I provided insight to others who had been wounded by the church. At the time, I looked as these experiences as just confirmation from God that I was indeed gifted and needed. Now I see these as my own personal "burning bush" or voice of God calling out "Catherine. . . " Indeed God was affirming my gifts as a teacher. God was also telling me that my calling has not changed, just the mission field where I will live my calling out has changed. My call to teach, to guide, and to affirm others is for the world, not just the church. God lives in the entire world, not just in the church, so this makes perfect sense.

Web of Assumption

I was in college before I learned the true meaning of the word assume: that when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. Like all people, I know that I assume things. I assume I know what people are thinking, what they mean by what they are saying, and what their behaviors mean. Assumptions are dangerous because they are not reality, but a projection of what we want reality to be. We create the picture to fit OUR needs regardless of what is the truth. How many conflicts happen because we don’t take a step back to gain objectivity? How much pain do we cause ourselves and others because we don’t want to admit that maybe we are wrong?

I’m currently reading “The Four Agreements.” It’s a fascinating book that challenges me to look at my own behaviors and admit that I allow myself to fall prey to what others say and think about me. One of the agreements is “Don’t Make Assumptions.” Essentially, the author says ask for clarification. Simple, yet powerful instructions. Unfortunately, it’s also easier said than done. When caught up in the emtionaliness of a conflict or discussion, it can be hard to take a freeze moment and step back. Yet, it can be one of the most powerful gifts we can give both ourselves and others.

Stephen Covey has been talking about this forever. In fact, one of his seven habits is seek first to understand and then to be understood. I think it is what Jesus personified on earth and what God provides us every single moment of our lives. And really, isn’t seeking to understand and not making assumptions is one of the key elements of grace?

Grace is such a mystery to me. Is it because I consider myself to be so unworthy that I have never experienced grace? Is it because grace is truly unconditional love and as humans, we have a hard time both giving and receiving unconditional love? I wish I had the answer. All I know is that I receive from God simply on the basis that I am God’s creation. God gave Jesus to us in order for us to receive grace. And God knows our struggles, what it’s like for us to be caught in this confusing web of life here on earth. We get stuck in the stickiness of the various parts of the web. We get scared because we can’t move, yet the more we struggle to get free, the more stuck we become. So how do we get out of this snare?

Well, we can’t do it alone. Like so many things in this life, we need help. The irony is that sometimes we need to feel the despair of isolation, the pit of loneliness in order to reach out. We have to stop struggling against the current situation and calm ourselves. We have the stop the web from vibrating to give us time because if we continue to fight, the vibrations will bring something that will suck us dry and swallow us up. Not a pretty picture, but the unfortunate truth. Fear of being sucked dry and swallowed up is a hard thought to let go of. Let’s face it; the thought brings about our most basic survival instinct of fight or flight. However, when neither is an option, the only thing left is surrender.

Now I believe that God doesn’t wait for us to surrender in order to send help. In fact, God sends us help constantly. The problem is that our fight or flight instinct can be so strong that we don’t recognize God’s help or presence. The vibrating web sends out so much interference that we can’t see or hear anything else. And this is the place that assumption lives, in the interference. Because we want answers and for things to make sense, we paint the picture we need to see. It feels like a momentary ceasing of the vibrations. The terrible “something” has been stopped. But here lies the problem: the assumptions we make actually cause more vibrations, but in different parts of the web. Being a web, everything is intertwined and so what happens in one part influences the rest. Since we are all part of the Body of Christ, woven together by the Spirit, the web doesn’t just vibrate us personally, but for the entire Body. Assumptions don’t just create interference for us, but for the entire web. That is, if we choose to listen to it.

I am easily distracted by the interference. This is one of my biggest problems. I read the agreement about “Don’t Make Assumptions” and agree 110%. However, when there are vibrations coming from so many parts of the web, it’s hard to tune them out. It’s hard to focus on surrendering when my fight or flight is in overdrive. But this is the time when it is most essential for me to just stop and freeze. Let the vibrations die down so you there is no interference. That is where God is. Until I can silence the noise and let the survival instinct pass, I will be vulnerable to being sucked dry and swallowed up. And frankly, I have no desire to be eaten alive in this way. Besides, if we look at the web as a metaphor for the Body of Christ, we have nothing to fear in the web. Being connected to one another is a good thing because the Spirit has woven us together. If we celebrate the strength and beauty of the web, suddenly the need to create our own picture through assumptions disappears. And the vibrations of the web become a type of communication between the various parts, with the Spirit acting as interpreter. Webs are works of art, bringing the intricacies of life together. It’s our choice if we consider it a trap or a miracle.

Build Where You Are!

Build where you currently are. These are the words that the Prophet Jeremiah shares with the nation of Israel during their exile in Babylon. Build where you are. Create a life that works for you because you are going to be here for awhile. Quit pining for what was or could be and deal with what is. Amazing how thousands of years later, we still need to hear these words spoken to us. How often do we wait for some future time in order to be happy? Or wish for what was? How much time do we waste, how much energy do we needlessly expend, and how many opportunities do we miss because we are so busy looking behind us at something that was or off in the distance towards something we can’t see? Instead, we should build where you currently are.

In some ways, however, this advice smacks against our current society. We are constantly encouraged to examine our past, look for trends, and learn from them. If we can reconcile our childhood experiences we can finally be happy. Or we are told that we should always have our eye on our future goal, because if we don’t have goals and objectives, we will never accomplish our greatest dreams. Our entire society seems to be based on the performance appraisal: what did you accomplish this past year and what do you want to accomplish in the next? But what about now? Do we really take the time to appreciate right now?

The Eastern religions get this. The Buddhists talk about the importance of mindfulness. They teach us to allow our minds and bodies to fully celebrate what is happening at the current moment; breathe – smells – touch – sounds. It all makes so much sense. We miss so much when our minds are distracted by watching the movies of the past or writing the script of the future. By focusing on the present, we give ourselves the gift of presence. We give ourselves the gift of openness to receive the presence of the Spirit. It’s through the Spirit that we can build where we currently are, to focus on the present needs of our neighbors. It’s through the Spirit that we can love our neighbor fully and freely without the baggage of past or future. The Spirit allows us to see and respond to the current needs of the world around us. Be present in the present . . .and be joyful where you are. After all, you are going to be where you are for awhile.

Mob Violence

Mobs are powerful entities. I often think of the times in even recent history when a few angry people have been able to incite an entire community, causing injuries, property damage, and even deaths. Afterwards, many people do end up paying for their actions, others don't. However, the victims always have to recover the effects of the mob.

I often think of the mob that gathered outside of Pilate's place before Jesus was sentenced to death. Jesus had been a popular guy with people following him, asking for his help, and listening to his words. He made the wrong people mad, though, and paid the price. While standing in front of Pilate, the crowd became a mob. I'm sure people that supported him turned and began to shout "crucify him, crucify him." It's easy to get caught up in the fervor of the moment and do/say things that you never would under normal circumstances. I'd like to think that I would be strong enough to resist the mob influence and stand up for Jesus, but I know that I probably wouldn't. And that bothers me at times.

I've been on the receiving end of "mob" behavior too and frankly, not fun. I see clearly that people who would not normally act or say certain things do because of the influence of others. It's incredibly hard to love those who follow the pack blindly, forsaking the possibility that they may be wrong. But that's what Jesus did. While on the cross, he asked God to forgive "the mob" because they didn't know what they were doing. It's an example that I am going to try to follow during the next few weeks, to lift up those who have betrayed and hurt me to God. Because maybe, just maybe, if I do that enough, I will find the strength to forgive them as well. Mobs are powerful entities. Although they may win out in the short run, the ultimate win belongs to those who can rise above the pack and keep their eyes on God.

Who's in Charge Here?

I've been doing research on depression recently; more specifically dysthymia. I thought it was time for me to really and truly understand what I was living with on a daily basis. You see, I am officially diagnosed with double depression. Essentially, this means that I always have a low level of depression with periodic spikes of severe depression. In many ways, it's a scary thought to know that I will always have this disease and if I'm not careful, it will consume me. However, it's also comforting to actually put a name to what I have been feeling (or not feeling) for as long as I can remember. Now, I have a baseline for what normal is for me. And I also know that I will never be "cured" but will have to work to maintain "normal" and not slide backwards into the pit. This knowledge is actually empowering and freeing versus defeating. This is a huge paradigm shift for many people and may even seem like denial to some. However, I find it important to accept the reality of this situation which for me is recognizing that I will always have to fight against my own mind.

Living with dysthymia is in many ways like living with a constant critic in your head. This critic is always there to remind you of how worthless you are, to zap your energy, and to play a constant loop of thoughts that are usually negative. So everyday, I have to continuously remind myself to not listen to this critic. This is hard work because the critic is both persistent and easy to believe. And I know the consequences of me listening and believing these words are devastating.

The other challenging aspect of dysthymia is the battle between numbness and over-reaction. Typically, I am very detached from my emotions, feeling blah the majority of the time. If there happens to be a trigger however, I can go from 0 to 10 in a matter of milliseconds. There is really no natural balance for me. I need to always be aware of my physical cues so I can attempt to short circuit my emotions before eruption. Not an easy task.

I relate to the New Testament stories of possession, especially the story found in Mark 5 about the man who lives in the caves. Let's face it, this guy is miserable. He doesn't knows that something is wrong, that something in him has taken control. This guy even does cutting with a sharp stone. When Jesus arrives, the "demons" are cast out into a herd of pigs, who consequently commit suicide. After this, the man is "normal." I used to get mad at the stories of faith healing like this. Very often, people are healed with the statement about how their faith has made this possible. In this case, that doesn't happen with the man being instructed to stay in his town and share his story. Biblical stories of faith healing make me mad because I have often wanted that for myself. I have prayed for immediate relief from my "demon" and it hasn't happened. Maybe my faith isn't strong enough? However, I'm also told that all I need is faith the size of a mustard seed. I believe I have that much faith. So what's wrong with me?

I've come to realize that nothing is wrong with me. In fact, acceptance of my depression is in effect a "faith healing." Because I have accepted it, I no longer fight with myself to feel "normal." I no longer worry that I don't feel things like I think other people do. It's OK for me to be who I am. This doesn't give me an excuse to stop working and strengthening myself. Actually the opposite is true: accepting my diagnosis actually motivates me to continue my work. My faith has made me strong and helped me realize that I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. And isn't that the real message of the faith healings; that no matter how desperate or awful you feel, you are never alone. The Spirit of Jesus is always with you, comforting and strengthening you.

The Things People Say

I continue to be amazed at the things people will say. The things they say that I know they think are supportive or compassionate but are actually judgmental and condescending. Yeah, that's a hard one to figure out. And to be clear, I know that I've done it too. I've put my foot in my mouth in the attempt to be supportive and kind. However, I hope that I have had the presence and compassion to remember that although my intent is important, how the other person interpreted it is even more important. For me, that is the key. To remember that the outcome is more important than the intent. If the outcome caused harm, it doesn't matter how good the intent. Personally, I hope that someday that I master that lesson because I know that I continue to fail and unintentionally hurt others.

Having said that, I have also been on the receiving end of such "good intentions." Recently, I met with someone with whom I have been in conflict. It was astonishing to me the things that were said. Things that I know were intended to show "acceptance" but instead revealed manipulation and judgment. And when you are trying to re-establish the bare bones of a relationship, that's a hard thing to point out. Especially when the topic is that of chronic depression.

I never imagined that depression still had such a stigma attached to it. It has been a rude awakening to realize that. If you've never lived with a disease such as depression, it is hard to imagine what it must be like just like I can't relate to what it must be like for my best friend to live her life as a paraplegic. However, I can be empathetic with her. I can respect and listen without judgment to her experiences. And I can see her as she really is - my dear friend. Yet, that is hard for some people; to see past the "disability" and truly see the person. That is what I'm living with right now and I don't like it, not one little bit (homage to Dr. Suess there).

It is crystal clear to me that I have people in my life who only see my depression. Because all they see is the depression, I have been totally lost as a person. Scariest of all is that it feels like it won't change. That no matter what I do or say, I will never be Catherine again. I will never be viewed as a PERSON living with depression, but as depression. Why do I feel that way? Because these people are drawing conclusions and assumptions about my behaviors, intentions, and words based on the fact that I have a diagnosis of depression. And until they realize how hurtful and unfair that is, there is really nothing that I can do. At times, I wonder if even setting the boundary of saying - you can no longer talk about my depression - would even work. Frankly, I think it would be viewed as a form of denial on my part.

What I take comfort in is that I know myself and I know that no matter what, I am a child of God. God loves me no matter what others think about me, say to me, or do to me. Sticks and stone do break my bones and actually words do hurt me even more. However, God is my protector, my shield and helps me hold my head up high. I am God's precious creation and I am good.

Putting It In Neutral

Experts tell us that conflict is neutral. Apparently, these experts have never been smack dab in the middle of an icky, emotion-filled conflict where real people with real feelings are hurt. Of course, that's an unfair comment. We know that the experts have been in conflict and by labeling conflict as neutral, it does take the power and fear away from it. Conflict, if handled correctly, leads to great things. But it's scary.

Being in the middle of some very intense conflict currently is very interesting. I sometimes try to put myself into the role of an objective observer to see if I can gain new perspective. Why? Because in my opinion, that is one of the biggest barriers to resolution. Each party gets so entrenched in trying to prove they are right and the other person is wrong that it's easy to lose sight of what is important - loving each other.

Jesus talks about the two great commandments: love God and love your neighbor. At first, these seem like two different commands - worship God and be good to your neighbor. However, I think they are intertwined with each other as well. Of course we should love God with all our heart, mind, and soul. But each and every one of us is a precious creation of God. By loving our neighbor, we also love God.

Jesus takes the command to love our neighbor even one step further and says we should love our enemy. That is the challenge. When I am locked in a bitter dispute where I feel I have been wronged, I want to others to feel my pain as intensely as I have. I want them to experience exactly what I have so they can get a taste of their own medicine. But that's not my job. It's not my job to punish my neighbor for hurting me. That falls into God's responsibilities. Here, loving my enemy neighbor glorifies God and helps me to be a better servant. I fail miserably at this. I'm lucky that we have a God who is patient, who is willing to let me fail so that I can learn this lesson. A God who still loves me no matter what. Conflict is neutral: loving the person you are in conflict with helps us remember that.

Labels

I think labels are interesting. In our society, we are so quick to assign labels to people: are you African-American or Caucasian; male or female; married, single or divorced? As part of many of the training classes that I facilitate, participants take self-assessments in order to discover their strengths or traits. There can be real value to labels. It can bring opportunities for discussion and self-awareness. But there is a danger to labels as well. Especially if we start to see people as ENFPs, or 39 year-old, white, mother of two instead of Catherine. To take it a step further, if we expect people to act in certain ways BECAUSE of the labels we assign instead of allowing them to just be themselves.

In Galatians 3:28 Paul writes this:

There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male or female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.

Powerful words. One of the challenges that Paul faced during his mission trips was labeling of one group from another. Because of these labels, people were judged either more or less worthy. Eloquently, Paul reminds us that there is only one label that matters - child of God.

Recently, I have been reminded just how easy it is for labels to become more important than the person. I was talking with someone last week who has been in conflict with some others. Unfortunately, this conflict has become very divisive within the organization and two factions have emerged as a result. This is always a scary thing to have happen. As we were talking, it became clear to me that labels such as "trouble maker" had been given to some people. I shared this observation with the other person and reminded them that we don't know what's going on behind the scenes with people. There are so many things that influence behaviors that we have no idea. And by giving people the benefit of the doubt, seeing them and treating them as more than their assigned label, can have huge rewards for everyone.

It's not easy seeing others as fellow Children of God, especially if they have hurt you deeply. I speak from personal experience. You see, I've been labeled by some others. It's hard to be treated as your label instead of a person. I've become an object. Frankly, all words and behaviors are forced to fit my assigned label. It's a great lesson in empathy for me, that I need to always be challenging myself to see others as people and not labels. And that is one of my most regular prayers, to see others as Children of God and not who I think they are. It's not my job to label others without their permission. My job is to love and serve them.

New Clothes

At church yesterday, the pastor referenced the following passage from Colossians:

As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. Above all, clothe yourself with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body.

This happens to be one of my favorite passages as it speaks to how we can be the face of Christ to others. It also happens to be one of those reminders that I need to do better. I know that I don't always wear these clothes when dealing with others. Patience and forgiveness are my two biggest challenges. Frankly, when God was handing out patience, I got tired of waiting and went to another line. But I'm learning. I'm also getting better about forgiveness. It certainly is a journey.

One of the things the pastor said yesterday, though, is that these virtues are best practiced within community, not in isolation. I do agree with that statement. We work to bring the Kingdom of God to earth when we act these ways with others. However, I also think that we need to practice these with ourselves as well. Personally, some of the most unkind, uncompassionate things I do are against myself. I would never let anyone talk to me the way I talk to myself. And forgive myself, forget it. That is one that I have not mastered at all. I'm struggling to forgive myself for things I did as a child.

Not only do I fail to dress in compassion, kindness, etc for myself, this lack of self-love can get in the way of my relationship with God. I know full well that although God doesn't love my sins, but God always loves me. If God can forgive me and love me, than I should forgive myself as well. God isn't punishing me, why should I punish myself? Acceptance for my past behaviors, words, and thoughts are hard, however, I am called to forgive myself as much as I am called to forgive others. This week, my prayer will be that I extend myself the love that I try to extend to others. It's a journey . . .and it's always fun to try on new clothes!

Lessons in Flight

I saw my first bumblebee of the season today. Bumblebees are pretty amazing creatures when you think about it. Aerodynamically, there are not supposed to be able to fly. They actually defy to laws of physics by taking flight. Why? Basically, because no one has told them that they can't fly.

Wouldn't it be great if we were able to block out all the messages that prevent us from flying? Personally, I would love to be able to do that. This week I got a couple of huge messages to remind me just how easy it is to let others dictate if you can fly or not. The first was from a former team mate of mine. Unfortunately my departure from this team was not smooth. If fact it was downright horrendous. For the past five months, I have had next to no contact with this person, yet they have already decided how I will act if I decide to return. This person has decided to tell me that I cannot fly. The second reminder came from a colleague of mine. A client came to her with some "feedback" (yes, code word for criticism) about my style, both facilitation and appearance. It was obvious that the complainer didn't think I could fly either, which is what my colleague had to share with me. However, my colleague believed that I could fly; believed that I had an openness to listen, discern, and make the best decision for the context.

Both of these conversations were big "aha's" for me. Let's face it, each conversation carried messages that I didn't measure up to a standard set by someone else. Each conversation related to very personal things about me, essentially the very essence of who I was. Each was given in a very direct way. It would have been easy for me to not only hear these criticisms of me, but actually BELIEVE what was being said. I could have let it define me and how I felt about myself, but I didn't. Wow! That was a freeing feeling.

So what was different for me? Well, in some ways not much. As a seasoned performer and facilitator, I've pretty much learned that you can't please everyone. I have a very definite style that isn't for everyone, and I'm pretty open about that. You want formal, it ain't me. You want lecture, that ain't me. I've become good at weighing the feedback within the context and deciding what I need to use and not.

But the other part that was truly freeing was the realization that in the first conversation, the feedback coming my way wasn't about me. This was full-out projection. It's a hard lesson that I continue to learn, that so many of the messages we receive from other people about ourselves have absolutely nothing to do with us. It's so much easier to tell someone else that they can't fly instead of facing the fact that it may be you that can't fly.

This week, I'm going to chose the way of the bumblebee and not listen to those who tell me that I can't fly. I'm going to fly to the greatest of my abilities.

It's the Real Thing

It's been about a week since I've taken the time to put some thoughts into writing. I've been consumed with finishing classes, creating curriculum, and prepping for all the different classes I'm facilitating during this time. Frankly, I'm exhausted. I did overextend myself a little bit so when I start to complain or feel overwhelmed, I need to remember that it's all self-induced.

During this time of transition and change in my life, it's been curious how many training jobs have just appeared. It's like the entire universe is telling me -- you are meant to teach. People respond to my classes, say that they take away a lot, and that I make a difference. I know that I am using my so many of my gifts to serve others as well. So why don't I feel great fulfillment from this? Why don't I live for teaching? I don't hate it. I don't particularly live for it either. It's just something that I do. And it bothers me that I don't receive more satisfaction from it.

As I ponder about this, I remind myself that right now, it's OK that I'm not filled with joy about teaching. It doesn't affect the quality of the information I present or my teaching. I am so committed to making sure that everyone leaves with at least one nugget of information that they can use. This is where I'm meant to be. I believe that God has placed me back in the classroom to remind me that I serve God and my neighbor in many ways. After my experience, I truly needed that whack in the middle of the forehead saying you are precious and good. I contribute to the Kingdom of God on earth by exposing people to new and different ideas, giving them the confidence to try new skills and think in new ways. This is a good place for me to be on my life journey right now. I may not be overflowing with joy and gladness, but I am content. Not complacent by any means, just content and satisfied. It's a like an oasis in the desert. My journey is not complete and that's a good thing.

Exiled in the Desert

Working from home can be very lonely. Intensely lonely. It's not that I don't have interaction with people, because I do. But most of my interactions are because people need something from me: food, ideas, education, a compassionate ear. Now, don't get me wrong, I love providing those things to others. I have gifts of empathy, teaching, listening and I am blessed to be able to use them. I receive great joy from serving others. But I miss co-workers.

Sure, co-workers, team members, whatever you want to call them, do provide stress and frustration in life. I don't miss that. I'm lucky. I have a lot of personal control over my work. Rarely do I need to wait for someone to get me information or worry if someone has forgotten to communicate something to me. In most cases, I'm it. The client needs this curriculum to meet these outcomes and I create it. It's challenging, creative, and downright fun. However, I miss the energy of other people being around. Or those impromptu discussions that happen when someone drops by your work area. The stories of what people have done the night before or during the weekend. Someone to share your stories with or to ask you how you are. I miss that.

Part of the problem is that I don't have much of a life outside of "work/home." When I was working at home before, I was very involved in music at my church. Although I'm working my way back into my faith community, it will be awhile before I can venture into involvement such as music groups, committees, and lay leadership. Truly, that's the missing link. A place where I can just be myself, doing something that feeds my soul. I know that God led me back to my church for a reason and being involved is part of that. But now is not the time. Right now it's about baby steps. It's about everyone, including me, getting used to my presence again. It's about healing. It's about accountability and recognition of past hurts and their affects. That takes time. And as much as I would like to be in control of that, I'm not. Let go, let God - not my strong suit.

I know that my future holds activities that feed my soul and let me be me. Right now, I need to look for the beauty in my personal desert. I need to recognize the flowers that bloom, the magnificence of the sand, and the promise of a new land. And when I get to the new land, I need to see that God is in it all. Patience. Listening. Obedience. Compassion. Even the Israelites eventually were led out of their desert wanderings. . .and I will be too.

And Its Back Again

It's been a long journey for me to become comfortable with the emotion of anger. I grew up believing that there were certain emotions that were good and therefore acceptable and certain emotions that were bad and therefore unacceptable. Anger was one of those emotions that I always put in the bad/unacceptable column. After all, anger can take control and make us do and say things that we later regret. It causes us to loose control; and being in control of ourselves is the most important priority. Consequently, I fight my anger. When I'd feel that telltale feeling start to rise in my chest and throat, I'd stuff it. I'd do everything I could to stop myself from doing something that I would later regret. Frankly, it took a lot of energy to stuff those feelings. And it began to take a physical and emotional toll on me.

I subscribe to a number of different email devotions. This week, one of those devotions focused almost exclusively on anger. A sign perhaps? The one yesterday talked about how being anger is not a sin, but anger, more specifically righteous anger, has its place in Christian life. Even Jesus got angry when he saw the money changers defiling the temple. He made a whip, overturned tables, and yelled. Righteous anger has a place in Christian life.

Paul even talks about anger when he says, be angry but don't sin. It's OK to be angry. It's a sign that something's not right; like my own personal alarm system. Even though my anger my be righteous, I still choose how I react. At times, it's appropriate to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself, either physically or emotionally. But we can let the anger take control and allow ourselves to do things that we later regret. That's what Paul warns us against doing. But since we are all sinners, we are all forgiven for these sins.

Today, I've had some anger resurface. It's to be expected, I suppose, as I ran into a couple of my "offenders" this week. One my hand, it frustrates me that I'm still working through this. But one the other, I have come such a long way. I have taken this terrible, horrible experience and used it to become stronger and hopefully wiser. As easy as it would be to become stuck and wallow in my pain and hurt, I have not allowed myself to do that. Instead, I acknowledge the "negative" feelings and try to so something productive with then. I also remind myself that my anger is righteous: I was betrayed, judged, and abandoned. And righteous anger does have a place in Christian life. All things work together to glorify God - even anger.

Why Won't It Print?!

This morning, I was trying to print some things that I needed. Of course, the paper in the printer jammed. So, I cleared the jam in the printer, clicked the blinking button, and the job still wouldn't print. I went to check the printer queue and there it was. I decided to delete it and then went to resend the job. Nothing happened. I rechecked the queue and there was that first job just sitting there. It said it was deleting, but it wasn't. So I tried to delete it again. Nothing. Everything else just got stuck behind this job that wouldn't delete and wouldn't send. I tried shutting down the printer. Nothing - still stuck. I clicked Helped and tried two or three things from the Troubleshoot section. Nothing - still stuck. Finally, Help said, "Restart the Computer. This should clear the memory." So I did. Viola! The queue cleared and I was able to print again.

I wish I could clear my own memory this easily.

The same thing happens to me that happened to my computer and printer this morning. My memory gets stuck. Thoughts just keep spooling. The thought doesn't clear and nothing else gets through. It's very frustrating. I need a Troubleshooting feature like my computer has. Choose what your problem is: try this; didn't work, now try this; still didn't work, restart and the memory will clear. But I do have my own Troubleshooting feature if I just choose to use it.

Anne Lamont says there are really only two prayers that we need. One of them is HELP! It can be hard for me to pray this when I'm stuck. I get frustrated by the thoughts. My emotions get the best of me. However when I do click my personal Troubleshooter, I do get help. It's true. Even if the help I receive is just a pause in the spooling to let others things through, that's enough. Then I can pray the second of Anne Lamont's two prayers: THANK YOU! Eventually I know my memory queue will clear and other things won't get stuck behind it.

The "Golden" Rule

I always wonder when is the time when you look at a friendship and say, "there's absolutely nothing left that I can do." Is that ever appropriate? If you are truly friends who supposedly care about each other, should you ever reach a point when you just give up and walk away? I would hope not, but I don't think that's the case. Sometimes the things that have happened during the course of the friendship are just too hurtful for one or both parties: reconciliation is just not possible. But if that's the case, is there still some benefit to some sort of closure that is more positive? Even if it's not possible to be friends anymore, wouldn't leaving the relationship with a decent interaction be better than having the last memory being of something horrible?

I think this is where the "golden rule" really comes into play. If we truly believe we should treat others as least as good as we treat ourselves, we need to constantly evaluate our actions to this standard. Would I have wanted that done or said to me? Would I have liked to have been given the benefit of the doubt? And then of course we also have the "platinum rule" where we are challenged to treat others better than we would treat ourselves. For me, the platinum rule is even more meaningful as I don't always treat myself very well. I say things to myself that I would never allow anyone else to say. However, I can set a standard of treating others better than they expect to be treated: this is truly serving the neighbor.

During the past few months, I have wanted to ask my "offenders" the two questions that I wrote above and many more: Would you have done to yourself what you did to me? Would you have liked to have been given the benefit of the doubt? Would you have been liked to been approached with love instead of having assumptions made about you, your motives, and your feelings? But I will probably never get the chance to ask or receive answers to those questions. It takes courage to face someone that you have hurt. It takes even more courage to approach that person will an air of humility and openness. As humans, we want to protect ourselves and our defense mechanisms are extraordinarily strong. We attack the others before they attack us, sometimes without all the data we need. There are no winners when that happens. And the losses are great on both sides.

I think living losses like divorce or loss of a trusted friend are especially hard. The betrayal and abandonment are harsh. People who you thought could rely on fail you, hurt you, and even blame you. When you needed them the most, they decided that being right was more important than doing the right thing. We all make mistakes. We all do things that in hindsight, we would do differently. That's life. However, when we leave open loops with people, we risk the chance of denying the consequences of our words and actions. I've been guilty of this in my life, too. It's easier to sweep conflicts and actions under the rug and pretend they didn't happen. Or convince ourselves the other person is over reacting to the circumstances. But I wasn't being a true friend when I did that. I wasn't treating the other person like I would like to be treated. I certainly didn't treat them better than I would like to be treated.

Healing from my own living loss, I have found some refuge in prayer. I can lift my feelings up and ask for God to carry them for awhile. I have also discovered who my true friends are. Those who care about me and allow me to be me with all my defects and faults. And in them, I have found that I still can trust others with my fears, failures, and frustrations and still be accepted and loved. In addition, I have found an inner strength in myself that I didn't know existed. They say that gold doesn't reach it's full beauty until it's been fired. That's another "golden" rule that I'm going to remember: that through fire all our impurities are washed away and what's left is beauty that shines for all to see.

The Lenses I Have

I was home today recovering from oral surgery so had a great excuse to turn on the "The View." Actually, I enjoy watching the Hot Topic portion of the show: they interrupt each other, take really opposing sides, and share some great wisdom. Plus, I particularly enjoy Whoopi Goldberg. That is a women who is not afraid to speak the unspoken and controversial, but does it a way that is so respectful. She just oozes cool!

Today, the women were discussing the presidential election, more specifically do women vote for Hilary because she is a women and black people vote for Obama because he is black. One of the comments made was that we should for the issues, not on the basis of gender or race. Whoopi made an interesting comment: it was through "white" goggles that this person was looking. As a white person, we have had political leaders who share our race; in fact the majority do. Other "groups" can't say that.

I find Whoopi's comment to be very insightful. We all do look at the world around us based on our experiences. It takes will and openness to change those goggles. The goggles or lenses we wear can provide limitation; however if we are willing to acknowledge these lenses, we can change them.

For me, I fully acknowledge that I see through my own lenses of personal experience. I try my hardest to not use my personal lenses to make snap judgments about people or situations. But like all humans, I fail at times.

I'm going to be teaching a night class next week called Managing a Diverse Workforce and at times feel unqualified to facilitate the topic. What does a middle-aged heterosexual white woman really know about diversity? Like everyone, I know about it. I know about the differences that exist in amongst of us: skin color, sexual orientation, work style, generation. All these things come into play when we deal with others. I have also been on the receiving end of discriminatory actions based on my gender, mental health status, and work style. No one likes to be treated based on a label that you are assigned. It's certainly not what Jesus preached or lived.

When I think about it, the only label that really should matter to me is "child of God." If I remember just this label, I can look at the world with this lens. All of the sudden, every person that I come into contact with is a "child of God" as well. That changes everything for me. With this lens, everyone is created good and everyone sins, just like me. It puts everyone on a level playing field. For me, I'm less likely to make snap judgments and assumptions about others and the things they do and say. I just need to be more intentional about putting on these lenses; I would be so much more loving in my words and actions if I did this. Talk about being the face of Jesus in the world. Powerful possibilities.

The Masks We Wear

My five-year old daughter appeared in my bedroom door this morning with her woodland fairy costume over her pajamas. You see, the tooth fairy has been at our house for two consecutive nights as both children have lost teeth. She was positively gleeful as she bounded into my room telling me about her costume and how she wished she could wear it to school. I have to admit that there are days I wish I could put on a tiara, a princess dress or ninja outfit just because I feel like it.
It would be fun to face the day with that kind of flair and whimsy. But as adults we do put on masks quite often.

The masks we wear aren't necessary bad. In fact, they can be a very important part of our existence in the world. Sometimes we need to act our way out of bad moods. We may have a professional mask we put on at work and have a totally different mask when we are with friends. The problem becomes when the mask gets in the way of who were really are. When we can no longer distinguish between the mask and our true selves.

I have to admit that there are times in my life where that exact thing has happened. I get so used to the mask that I lose who I am. It's easy to do. We don't want to burden people. We're afraid others may not like "the real" us. We don't know who "real us" is. So what do we do when this identity crisis happens?

Personally, I wish that I had a quick and easy answer for this. What I do know is that part of finding my "real" identity is to remember that I am made in the image of God. That I am God's precious creation. Knowing this provides me with a solid foundation and pattern for discovering and being comfortable with me. Yes, there may be some alterations that need to be made to some parts of me, but the basic pattern doesn't change. And with the foundation of being God's creation, it's like being able to put on a tiara for the day. There's joy, fulfillment and whimsy.

I think my goal will be to remind myself that with God there is not need for masks. God loves me just as I am. Being God's beloved creation is an amazing identity unto itself. The other masks and costumes that I put can be fun to try out temporarily but the real me is pretty fantastic too.

Pushing Rocks Uphill

A friend and I recently reconnected and it has been wonderful. It turns out that we are on similar life paths . Both she and I have been very committed to taking very devastating experiences and turning them into opportunities for personal growth. There's great comfort in knowing that someone else is walking a similar journey.

My friend shared with me that it feels like all she's done in the past 2 1/2 years is work on herself: dealing with hurtful stuff, setting new goals, and making decisions that will help her make these goals a reality. And she's accomplished so many of them through courage and perseverance. But all the successes doesn't mean the journey is easy. She admitted to me that it times it feels both exhausting and futile. Boy, do I relate to that.

This reminds of the story from Greek Mythology about Sisyphus (oh by the way, I had to look the name up on Wikipedia). Sisyphus was this guy whose entire life consisted of pushing a huge rock up a hill only to have it roll back down again. Push the rock up, watch it roll back down. Over and over again. Never accomplishing the task. Exhausting and futile. It would be easy to say that my journey is just like this, but I can't. Even though I feel as though I've been pushing the rock up the hill over and over again, the fact of the matter is that it's not rolling back down. I'm still pushing it up the hill. I'm tired, I've had to rest at times, but I'm still pushing it up the hill.

Jesus tells us that as disciples, we need to be willing to pick up our crosses and follow him. At first glance, this too seems exhausting and futile. Are we really expected to spend our whole lives carrying heavy crosses on our back? However, the cross not only represents burden but life after death. Think about it: Jesus died a horrible death on the cross, but came back to life. With our various crosses, we too die sometimes very painful "deaths" but new life results. Exhausting yes, but not futile. It takes courage to pick up our crosses and "die." It takes perseverance to wait for the new life. But it is glorious once it happens. We can do the impossible if we focus on the new life, the top of the hill. We can rest. Where? In the arms of one who understands because he too has endured hard journeys. Jesus is there pushing the rock right with us, helping us get to the top of the hill. We just need to let him help. We'll make it to the top!

Numb. Detached. Blah. That's how I would describe my mood today. I guess it matches the weather. Once again, we are covered in clouds. For the past month, it seems as though we've had more clouds than sun. Winter seemed to last forever this year. Cold. A dead earth. Brown grass. Skeletal trees. No color. Blah.

Something was different this morning, though, as I looked out the window. Green. Overnight, the grass in the yard greened up. Was it because of the warm weather the last couple of days? Was it the one day of sun we had this weekend? Was it the treatment the lawn company put on yesterday? Or did the new grass finally just say, "It's time to grow. It doesn't matter if it's cold and cloudy. We've waited too long and it's our time."

Recently, I was told that feeling detached during times of stress or grief is really our brain offering us grace. If we felt all the emotions associated with our grief immediately, they would overwhelm us. This provides me with great comfort. There are days I yearn to feel something, anything other than blah. But God is protecting me. Ultimately, God knows what I can handle. The numbness is a gift. It allows me time to strengthen my roots because strong roots make for a strong, vibrant plant that flourishes in many circumstances.

My spring is later this year, just like the Earth's. If I really look though, I'm starting to green up. I'm coming alive too. It won't be overnight like the grass outside my window, but it will happen. Trust, patience, and faith in God's ultimate love for me as God's beloved creation is the key. Even though the sky's are gray, there is a streak of color in my life. For that, I am thankful.

The Sun Will Come Out

I was watching the movie Enchanted with my daughter last night when I had an epiphany about what it must be like to live like the lilies in the field. When the main character, Giselle, comes to New York, she is an example of pure joy. It doesn't bother her what other people do or say to her. She basks in the knowledge that true love conquers all. People think she's crazy, but in reality she just hasn't been corrupted by the doom and gloom thinking that dominates our world.

Jesus talks about how we needn't worry about anything but should be like the lilies in the field. They just exist in their beauty until it's their time to die. When storms come, the lilies are fed and become stronger. If the wind blows, they bend. When the sun shines, they grow.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Other people and situations hurt us, sending torrential rainstorms and winds that whip us around. We have a choice in how we react to these storms. We can allow ourselves to drown and die, or we look at them as a way to be fed and become stronger. And no matter if there is actual sunshine, we always have the Light of Christ to warm us and help us grow more brilliant and beautiful than we ever imagined. Today as I move through my day, I'm going to think of Giselle and the focus she had on love. I'm going to let the love of Christ nourish my body through the Spirit. Jesus is the light of the world and overcomes all darkness.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Like most people, I have a love-hate relationship with mirrors. There are times when I look in the mirror and really like what I see, especially on a good hair day. Other times, I don't . In my reflection I see only flaws: big hips, cellulite, and wrinkles. So the question becomes can you really trust what you see in the mirror? Is it really your true image you see or a reflection of your own insecurities?

Sometimes I get a second opinion from someone else. Like if I'm trying on clothes and say that I think the pants make my back end look large, whomever I'm shopping with may disagree and tell me they see something totally different. It can be a nice reality check to have someone's viewpoint, especially if it's more favorable than yours. On the flipside, sometimes the person I'm with will agree with me and say, "yep, makes your back end look twice as large as it is." Again, nice reality check. At times, we need the cold harsh truth to prevent us from making a mistake.

Ultimately though, we need to decide what to believe - our perception of the image or someone's else's. And that can be a problem. Especially if others keep telling you they see something that you just can't or don't see. Who do you believe? Can their interpretation of our reflection be influenced by their own insecurities or feelings?

Lately, I've experienced people telling me what I should see when I look in the mirror because they see it more clearly than I do. After all, my perceptions are clouded by my feelings, my insecurities, and my limitations. It really doesn't take much for me to see what they are pointing out. All the flaws and all the imperfections are right there and bigger and more visible than I had ever thought. And I thought I had done such a good job camouflaging and concealing them. However, if I glance away and then look back, I don't see what they see. Sure, the imperfections are there, but not as big or even the same as they were described to me.

Martin Luther in many of his writings talks about the Devil and how he works against God's creative work. As humans, we are caught in-between God and the Devil in this eternal tug of war for our minds and souls. Now, I don't believe the Devil to be this separate entity the lurks in all the dark corners of the world. I do believe the Devil is within all of us: it's our free will working against us. It's our own insecurities and fears getting the best of us. This happens to me when I stop listening to the voice of God. At times like this, I need to remind myself of the story of Elijah on Mt. Carmel.

Let's face it, Elijah's not having a good time. He's a marked man. He's being chased by men who have been sent to kill him. In desperation, he's sent all of his servants away and just wants to die. God sends an angel to feed him and send him to Mt. Camel. There Elijah will receive a message from God. When Elijah gets to the mountain, he finds a cave; he hears earthquakes, thunder, and wind. But where is God? In the small, still quietness. When we can quiet our minds from the loudness of our internal voices and the voices of others, we too can hear the voice of God. And it is during the quiet times when we can discern whether the image we see or that others say they see in the mirror is truly the image that God sees. Isn't this the only opinion that really matters anyway? God's opinion is the one who matters. So next time I look in the mirror and question what I see, I need to quiet myself to hear the One whose image I am created in. The One who loves me no matter what the reflection. The One whose opinion I can trust without question. The still small quiet voice shouts to me, "you are my Beloved child with whom I am well pleased."

You've Got Something on Your Face

Today my thoughts are on judging other people. Specifically, I am reminded of Jesus' words regarding pointing out a speck in your neighbor's eye when you've got a log in yours. A very dramatic visual and so true. How often do we look at other people and pass judgment on their actions or lifestyle when we are just as guilty? It's so easy to do and I believe part of our own quest for self-preservation. Let's face it, if we can focus on other people's problems, we don't have to face our own. We don't have to admit our weaknesses and our failures. We can elevate ourselves above others and look down on them with smugness. We make ourselves feel better by standing on top someone else, forcing them into a position that we have no right to put them in.

Recently, I have been in both of these positions: standing on others and being stood on. Neither one feels right. Let's face it, making myself feel good at the expense of someone else results in my feeling even worse. Furthermore, it's not loving my neighbor. I place myself in the position that truly belongs to God. Judging others while blinded by our own logs doesn't allow us to fully see the situation. Without clear vision, we make up the parts that we can't see and that's the danger. That's where assumptions come into play and we all know what happens when we assume.

I've probably spent more time lately being the one stood on. Not a great place either. I find myself wondering if I deserved it or maybe I am there because I willingly allowed the other person or persons to use me this way. It's easy to stay down there. Easy to allow myself to be stepped on because it takes a lot of work to throw the others off and stand back up again. It takes time for these wounds heal and those wounds are not always visible. I hurt, I'm stiff, and I'm weak. Rushing the healing process can mean the wounds don't heal properly. They can be reopened very easily and be even harder to recover from the next time.

Seeing the log in our own eyes takes a lot of courage. However, having a log or two does not mean that we are bad or damaged. It just means that we have to endure the pain of taking them out and healing. God helps us both with the extraction and the recovery, loving us the whole time. Part of that healing is having the strength to admit to both God and to the ones that we hurt that we were not seeing clearly. Our vision was obstructed and because of that, we said and did things without seeing the full picture. Even if the others can't forgive right away, we can begin the process of forgiving ourselves and allowing God's love to work it's amazing magic. In all of our actions, we can always be assured that God loves us - specks, logs, and everything else.

To Forgive or Not To Forgive

I read recently in Gary Chapman's Five Languages of Apology that forgiveness is a decision; trust is an emotion. That is such a great distinction because, like many people, I have always believed that forgiveness is an emotion that will immediately lift the weight and pain associated with the offense. But it doesn't work like that. Even though I can say the words "I forgive you," the release that I always believed accompanied these words does not come. Without this release, I have always believed that I was unable to truly forgive, but continued to hold onto the pain. This is freeing to think that forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling or emotion. Talk about a release.

The other thing that Gary Chapman writes is that forgiveness does not erase the memory or the pain of the offense. Again, this is very comforting to me. Forgive and forget seems to be an expectation of our culture. We are taught, especially as Christians, that we are bound to forgive. Think about how many verses talk about forgiveness. In Matthew, Jesus says that we should forgive 70 times 7 times. In both Matthew and Luke, Jesus says that we should not come to the altar bearing grudges against our brothers. Jesus, on the cross, even asks God to forgive those who tortured and crucified him for "they know not what they do." Man, if Jesus can do that while enduring a horrendous death, it should be no problem for me to forgive for the tiny offenses done to me.

Separating forgiveness and trust helps me with this. Trust needs to be rebuilt and is not automatically granted with forgiveness. Forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness is to release me from my bondage to the situation. Bestowing trust is my choice. And I don't have to do that. The Bible does not say, "forgive and trust again." It does say forgive again. I can choose, however, if I want to place myself in the situation to allow the same offense to happen again. It's like the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Separating forgiveness and trust also helps me differentiate between forgiveness and reconciliation. Again, reconciliation does not need to happen immediately after I forgive - or even at all. The power is with me. Again, society seems to imply that forgiveness means that we should allow the offender back into our lives on the same terms as before the offense occurred. No way. Reconciliation cannot occur without trust. Since forgiveness is not a guarantee to restoration of trust, nor should reconciliation be the automatic expectation after forgiveness.

Now knowing this and living this are two different animals. I constantly battle with what I deems my inability to forgive both others and myself. In this constant battle, I remind myself that life is a journey. Any movement forward is progress. For me, the fact that I don't want God to strike others who have hurt me with various plagues is progress. Allowing compassion to enter my heart when thinking of offenders is progress. Although the progress is slow, it is still progress. In our instant gratification society, it's not fast enough for me or for others in my life. However, our journeys also teach us patience and humbleness. It is through these journeys that we learn of our inner strength and learn to rely even more on God's Greatness and Wisdom. And maybe that's the real lesson: to surrender our will to God and let God lift the way. We just need to have the courage to walk the path, no matter how painful and scary.

My path to offering forgiveness to my offenders is long, painful, and unbelievably scary. I fear that if I let go of my pain that there will be nothing left to replace it. But I also know that this wall of unforgiveness prevents me from truly accepting the love of others and most importantly, the love of God. It blocks me from the path that I need to take to ultimate freedom as God's beloved creation. So I continue to journey forward with baby steps and begin to slowly scale this wall. I know that I will eventually come to the other side and the Light will encompass me. I am never alone on this journey. The Spirit is my constant companion; strengthening me, protecting me, and helping me hold my head high.

It's a Brand New Day

It's a brand new day today. Even though it was cloudy and there was snow on the ground, it was a new day. I realized today how much of the holiday experience I have missed because of my involvement with the church. Giving time to the church is a very good thing, however, when it causes stress and the loss of the real meaning of these celebrations, it becomes an idol. I realized that today.

I woke up very sad. I missed by faith community deeply this morning. It seemed like an empty day. I went downstairs and turned on Ed Young. For a fundie, I really enjoy his messages. There are timely and easy to relate to. And I was fed this morning. Always a cool thing.

As I prepared for the onslaught of family coming, I moved in calmness. This is something new as well. I had purposely made things really easy for myself and it showed. I was busy, but it was a relaxed busy. As people started to arrive, I enjoyed myself. Brunch went off well, even though some of the egg dishes were a bit "cajun." Everyone had a great time. I love how the families get along and truly have fun.

Then this evening, we went to church as a family and I wasn't the only one who enjoyed it. Everyone enjoyed it. Thank you Jesus! They want to go back. Thank you Jesus! It is a brand new day. Again, I was fed by the message and the acceptance of the other worshipers. Of course, I'm known there, but it didn't matter. We were welcomed. Bad memories of betrayal, exploitation, and hypocrisy from the building, but it was different experience. A brand new day. Another chance at healing. New life begins all the time. Easter happens every day if we allow our eyes to be opened to seeing Jesus in the world. The Body of Christ is at work and present all around us. Alleluia, Christ has risen.

Patience is not my Virtue

One of my favorite "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strips shows Calvin sitting in school thinking, "I'm not going to look at the clock. I'm not going to look at the clock." The next panel shows him thinking, "One hour must have passed since I looked at the clock last." The last panel. . ."One minute? That's all that passed?" That is me. I have absolutely no patience. I want it when I want it; my time frame not anyone else's. Unfortunately, the rest of the world hasn't gotten that message. God certainly hasn't.

On this night before Easter, I imagine how Jesus' disciples must have felt. Scared? Alone? Feeling abandoned? Questioning Jesus' promise of resurrection? They only had to wait three days to discover the answer. Not too long, but I'm sure it felt like an eternity.

Our creaturely limitations prevent us from understand God's time frame. God works everywhere and in everytime. There is no way that we can even being to wrap our brain around that concept. That is where faith comes in to play. We just have to believe.

This week, I was reminded once again that God does answer prayers. I have been praying various versions of the Serenity Prayer for over two years. A few days ago, I experienced acceptance of a situation that I had been struggling deeply with for a while. I was able to take this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. It has been a powerful feeling. I know that my struggle for patience and need for things to work on my time frame will be an ongoing personal battle for me. However, it's times like this that give me hope. New life and new resurrection. It's there for all of us.