To Forgive or Not To Forgive

I read recently in Gary Chapman's Five Languages of Apology that forgiveness is a decision; trust is an emotion. That is such a great distinction because, like many people, I have always believed that forgiveness is an emotion that will immediately lift the weight and pain associated with the offense. But it doesn't work like that. Even though I can say the words "I forgive you," the release that I always believed accompanied these words does not come. Without this release, I have always believed that I was unable to truly forgive, but continued to hold onto the pain. This is freeing to think that forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling or emotion. Talk about a release.

The other thing that Gary Chapman writes is that forgiveness does not erase the memory or the pain of the offense. Again, this is very comforting to me. Forgive and forget seems to be an expectation of our culture. We are taught, especially as Christians, that we are bound to forgive. Think about how many verses talk about forgiveness. In Matthew, Jesus says that we should forgive 70 times 7 times. In both Matthew and Luke, Jesus says that we should not come to the altar bearing grudges against our brothers. Jesus, on the cross, even asks God to forgive those who tortured and crucified him for "they know not what they do." Man, if Jesus can do that while enduring a horrendous death, it should be no problem for me to forgive for the tiny offenses done to me.

Separating forgiveness and trust helps me with this. Trust needs to be rebuilt and is not automatically granted with forgiveness. Forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness is to release me from my bondage to the situation. Bestowing trust is my choice. And I don't have to do that. The Bible does not say, "forgive and trust again." It does say forgive again. I can choose, however, if I want to place myself in the situation to allow the same offense to happen again. It's like the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Separating forgiveness and trust also helps me differentiate between forgiveness and reconciliation. Again, reconciliation does not need to happen immediately after I forgive - or even at all. The power is with me. Again, society seems to imply that forgiveness means that we should allow the offender back into our lives on the same terms as before the offense occurred. No way. Reconciliation cannot occur without trust. Since forgiveness is not a guarantee to restoration of trust, nor should reconciliation be the automatic expectation after forgiveness.

Now knowing this and living this are two different animals. I constantly battle with what I deems my inability to forgive both others and myself. In this constant battle, I remind myself that life is a journey. Any movement forward is progress. For me, the fact that I don't want God to strike others who have hurt me with various plagues is progress. Allowing compassion to enter my heart when thinking of offenders is progress. Although the progress is slow, it is still progress. In our instant gratification society, it's not fast enough for me or for others in my life. However, our journeys also teach us patience and humbleness. It is through these journeys that we learn of our inner strength and learn to rely even more on God's Greatness and Wisdom. And maybe that's the real lesson: to surrender our will to God and let God lift the way. We just need to have the courage to walk the path, no matter how painful and scary.

My path to offering forgiveness to my offenders is long, painful, and unbelievably scary. I fear that if I let go of my pain that there will be nothing left to replace it. But I also know that this wall of unforgiveness prevents me from truly accepting the love of others and most importantly, the love of God. It blocks me from the path that I need to take to ultimate freedom as God's beloved creation. So I continue to journey forward with baby steps and begin to slowly scale this wall. I know that I will eventually come to the other side and the Light will encompass me. I am never alone on this journey. The Spirit is my constant companion; strengthening me, protecting me, and helping me hold my head high.