New Clothes

At church yesterday, the pastor referenced the following passage from Colossians:

As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. Above all, clothe yourself with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body.

This happens to be one of my favorite passages as it speaks to how we can be the face of Christ to others. It also happens to be one of those reminders that I need to do better. I know that I don't always wear these clothes when dealing with others. Patience and forgiveness are my two biggest challenges. Frankly, when God was handing out patience, I got tired of waiting and went to another line. But I'm learning. I'm also getting better about forgiveness. It certainly is a journey.

One of the things the pastor said yesterday, though, is that these virtues are best practiced within community, not in isolation. I do agree with that statement. We work to bring the Kingdom of God to earth when we act these ways with others. However, I also think that we need to practice these with ourselves as well. Personally, some of the most unkind, uncompassionate things I do are against myself. I would never let anyone talk to me the way I talk to myself. And forgive myself, forget it. That is one that I have not mastered at all. I'm struggling to forgive myself for things I did as a child.

Not only do I fail to dress in compassion, kindness, etc for myself, this lack of self-love can get in the way of my relationship with God. I know full well that although God doesn't love my sins, but God always loves me. If God can forgive me and love me, than I should forgive myself as well. God isn't punishing me, why should I punish myself? Acceptance for my past behaviors, words, and thoughts are hard, however, I am called to forgive myself as much as I am called to forgive others. This week, my prayer will be that I extend myself the love that I try to extend to others. It's a journey . . .and it's always fun to try on new clothes!

Lessons in Flight

I saw my first bumblebee of the season today. Bumblebees are pretty amazing creatures when you think about it. Aerodynamically, there are not supposed to be able to fly. They actually defy to laws of physics by taking flight. Why? Basically, because no one has told them that they can't fly.

Wouldn't it be great if we were able to block out all the messages that prevent us from flying? Personally, I would love to be able to do that. This week I got a couple of huge messages to remind me just how easy it is to let others dictate if you can fly or not. The first was from a former team mate of mine. Unfortunately my departure from this team was not smooth. If fact it was downright horrendous. For the past five months, I have had next to no contact with this person, yet they have already decided how I will act if I decide to return. This person has decided to tell me that I cannot fly. The second reminder came from a colleague of mine. A client came to her with some "feedback" (yes, code word for criticism) about my style, both facilitation and appearance. It was obvious that the complainer didn't think I could fly either, which is what my colleague had to share with me. However, my colleague believed that I could fly; believed that I had an openness to listen, discern, and make the best decision for the context.

Both of these conversations were big "aha's" for me. Let's face it, each conversation carried messages that I didn't measure up to a standard set by someone else. Each conversation related to very personal things about me, essentially the very essence of who I was. Each was given in a very direct way. It would have been easy for me to not only hear these criticisms of me, but actually BELIEVE what was being said. I could have let it define me and how I felt about myself, but I didn't. Wow! That was a freeing feeling.

So what was different for me? Well, in some ways not much. As a seasoned performer and facilitator, I've pretty much learned that you can't please everyone. I have a very definite style that isn't for everyone, and I'm pretty open about that. You want formal, it ain't me. You want lecture, that ain't me. I've become good at weighing the feedback within the context and deciding what I need to use and not.

But the other part that was truly freeing was the realization that in the first conversation, the feedback coming my way wasn't about me. This was full-out projection. It's a hard lesson that I continue to learn, that so many of the messages we receive from other people about ourselves have absolutely nothing to do with us. It's so much easier to tell someone else that they can't fly instead of facing the fact that it may be you that can't fly.

This week, I'm going to chose the way of the bumblebee and not listen to those who tell me that I can't fly. I'm going to fly to the greatest of my abilities.

It's the Real Thing

It's been about a week since I've taken the time to put some thoughts into writing. I've been consumed with finishing classes, creating curriculum, and prepping for all the different classes I'm facilitating during this time. Frankly, I'm exhausted. I did overextend myself a little bit so when I start to complain or feel overwhelmed, I need to remember that it's all self-induced.

During this time of transition and change in my life, it's been curious how many training jobs have just appeared. It's like the entire universe is telling me -- you are meant to teach. People respond to my classes, say that they take away a lot, and that I make a difference. I know that I am using my so many of my gifts to serve others as well. So why don't I feel great fulfillment from this? Why don't I live for teaching? I don't hate it. I don't particularly live for it either. It's just something that I do. And it bothers me that I don't receive more satisfaction from it.

As I ponder about this, I remind myself that right now, it's OK that I'm not filled with joy about teaching. It doesn't affect the quality of the information I present or my teaching. I am so committed to making sure that everyone leaves with at least one nugget of information that they can use. This is where I'm meant to be. I believe that God has placed me back in the classroom to remind me that I serve God and my neighbor in many ways. After my experience, I truly needed that whack in the middle of the forehead saying you are precious and good. I contribute to the Kingdom of God on earth by exposing people to new and different ideas, giving them the confidence to try new skills and think in new ways. This is a good place for me to be on my life journey right now. I may not be overflowing with joy and gladness, but I am content. Not complacent by any means, just content and satisfied. It's a like an oasis in the desert. My journey is not complete and that's a good thing.

Exiled in the Desert

Working from home can be very lonely. Intensely lonely. It's not that I don't have interaction with people, because I do. But most of my interactions are because people need something from me: food, ideas, education, a compassionate ear. Now, don't get me wrong, I love providing those things to others. I have gifts of empathy, teaching, listening and I am blessed to be able to use them. I receive great joy from serving others. But I miss co-workers.

Sure, co-workers, team members, whatever you want to call them, do provide stress and frustration in life. I don't miss that. I'm lucky. I have a lot of personal control over my work. Rarely do I need to wait for someone to get me information or worry if someone has forgotten to communicate something to me. In most cases, I'm it. The client needs this curriculum to meet these outcomes and I create it. It's challenging, creative, and downright fun. However, I miss the energy of other people being around. Or those impromptu discussions that happen when someone drops by your work area. The stories of what people have done the night before or during the weekend. Someone to share your stories with or to ask you how you are. I miss that.

Part of the problem is that I don't have much of a life outside of "work/home." When I was working at home before, I was very involved in music at my church. Although I'm working my way back into my faith community, it will be awhile before I can venture into involvement such as music groups, committees, and lay leadership. Truly, that's the missing link. A place where I can just be myself, doing something that feeds my soul. I know that God led me back to my church for a reason and being involved is part of that. But now is not the time. Right now it's about baby steps. It's about everyone, including me, getting used to my presence again. It's about healing. It's about accountability and recognition of past hurts and their affects. That takes time. And as much as I would like to be in control of that, I'm not. Let go, let God - not my strong suit.

I know that my future holds activities that feed my soul and let me be me. Right now, I need to look for the beauty in my personal desert. I need to recognize the flowers that bloom, the magnificence of the sand, and the promise of a new land. And when I get to the new land, I need to see that God is in it all. Patience. Listening. Obedience. Compassion. Even the Israelites eventually were led out of their desert wanderings. . .and I will be too.

And Its Back Again

It's been a long journey for me to become comfortable with the emotion of anger. I grew up believing that there were certain emotions that were good and therefore acceptable and certain emotions that were bad and therefore unacceptable. Anger was one of those emotions that I always put in the bad/unacceptable column. After all, anger can take control and make us do and say things that we later regret. It causes us to loose control; and being in control of ourselves is the most important priority. Consequently, I fight my anger. When I'd feel that telltale feeling start to rise in my chest and throat, I'd stuff it. I'd do everything I could to stop myself from doing something that I would later regret. Frankly, it took a lot of energy to stuff those feelings. And it began to take a physical and emotional toll on me.

I subscribe to a number of different email devotions. This week, one of those devotions focused almost exclusively on anger. A sign perhaps? The one yesterday talked about how being anger is not a sin, but anger, more specifically righteous anger, has its place in Christian life. Even Jesus got angry when he saw the money changers defiling the temple. He made a whip, overturned tables, and yelled. Righteous anger has a place in Christian life.

Paul even talks about anger when he says, be angry but don't sin. It's OK to be angry. It's a sign that something's not right; like my own personal alarm system. Even though my anger my be righteous, I still choose how I react. At times, it's appropriate to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself, either physically or emotionally. But we can let the anger take control and allow ourselves to do things that we later regret. That's what Paul warns us against doing. But since we are all sinners, we are all forgiven for these sins.

Today, I've had some anger resurface. It's to be expected, I suppose, as I ran into a couple of my "offenders" this week. One my hand, it frustrates me that I'm still working through this. But one the other, I have come such a long way. I have taken this terrible, horrible experience and used it to become stronger and hopefully wiser. As easy as it would be to become stuck and wallow in my pain and hurt, I have not allowed myself to do that. Instead, I acknowledge the "negative" feelings and try to so something productive with then. I also remind myself that my anger is righteous: I was betrayed, judged, and abandoned. And righteous anger does have a place in Christian life. All things work together to glorify God - even anger.