Exiled in the Desert

Working from home can be very lonely. Intensely lonely. It's not that I don't have interaction with people, because I do. But most of my interactions are because people need something from me: food, ideas, education, a compassionate ear. Now, don't get me wrong, I love providing those things to others. I have gifts of empathy, teaching, listening and I am blessed to be able to use them. I receive great joy from serving others. But I miss co-workers.

Sure, co-workers, team members, whatever you want to call them, do provide stress and frustration in life. I don't miss that. I'm lucky. I have a lot of personal control over my work. Rarely do I need to wait for someone to get me information or worry if someone has forgotten to communicate something to me. In most cases, I'm it. The client needs this curriculum to meet these outcomes and I create it. It's challenging, creative, and downright fun. However, I miss the energy of other people being around. Or those impromptu discussions that happen when someone drops by your work area. The stories of what people have done the night before or during the weekend. Someone to share your stories with or to ask you how you are. I miss that.

Part of the problem is that I don't have much of a life outside of "work/home." When I was working at home before, I was very involved in music at my church. Although I'm working my way back into my faith community, it will be awhile before I can venture into involvement such as music groups, committees, and lay leadership. Truly, that's the missing link. A place where I can just be myself, doing something that feeds my soul. I know that God led me back to my church for a reason and being involved is part of that. But now is not the time. Right now it's about baby steps. It's about everyone, including me, getting used to my presence again. It's about healing. It's about accountability and recognition of past hurts and their affects. That takes time. And as much as I would like to be in control of that, I'm not. Let go, let God - not my strong suit.

I know that my future holds activities that feed my soul and let me be me. Right now, I need to look for the beauty in my personal desert. I need to recognize the flowers that bloom, the magnificence of the sand, and the promise of a new land. And when I get to the new land, I need to see that God is in it all. Patience. Listening. Obedience. Compassion. Even the Israelites eventually were led out of their desert wanderings. . .and I will be too.