Mob Violence

Mobs are powerful entities. I often think of the times in even recent history when a few angry people have been able to incite an entire community, causing injuries, property damage, and even deaths. Afterwards, many people do end up paying for their actions, others don't. However, the victims always have to recover the effects of the mob.

I often think of the mob that gathered outside of Pilate's place before Jesus was sentenced to death. Jesus had been a popular guy with people following him, asking for his help, and listening to his words. He made the wrong people mad, though, and paid the price. While standing in front of Pilate, the crowd became a mob. I'm sure people that supported him turned and began to shout "crucify him, crucify him." It's easy to get caught up in the fervor of the moment and do/say things that you never would under normal circumstances. I'd like to think that I would be strong enough to resist the mob influence and stand up for Jesus, but I know that I probably wouldn't. And that bothers me at times.

I've been on the receiving end of "mob" behavior too and frankly, not fun. I see clearly that people who would not normally act or say certain things do because of the influence of others. It's incredibly hard to love those who follow the pack blindly, forsaking the possibility that they may be wrong. But that's what Jesus did. While on the cross, he asked God to forgive "the mob" because they didn't know what they were doing. It's an example that I am going to try to follow during the next few weeks, to lift up those who have betrayed and hurt me to God. Because maybe, just maybe, if I do that enough, I will find the strength to forgive them as well. Mobs are powerful entities. Although they may win out in the short run, the ultimate win belongs to those who can rise above the pack and keep their eyes on God.

Who's in Charge Here?

I've been doing research on depression recently; more specifically dysthymia. I thought it was time for me to really and truly understand what I was living with on a daily basis. You see, I am officially diagnosed with double depression. Essentially, this means that I always have a low level of depression with periodic spikes of severe depression. In many ways, it's a scary thought to know that I will always have this disease and if I'm not careful, it will consume me. However, it's also comforting to actually put a name to what I have been feeling (or not feeling) for as long as I can remember. Now, I have a baseline for what normal is for me. And I also know that I will never be "cured" but will have to work to maintain "normal" and not slide backwards into the pit. This knowledge is actually empowering and freeing versus defeating. This is a huge paradigm shift for many people and may even seem like denial to some. However, I find it important to accept the reality of this situation which for me is recognizing that I will always have to fight against my own mind.

Living with dysthymia is in many ways like living with a constant critic in your head. This critic is always there to remind you of how worthless you are, to zap your energy, and to play a constant loop of thoughts that are usually negative. So everyday, I have to continuously remind myself to not listen to this critic. This is hard work because the critic is both persistent and easy to believe. And I know the consequences of me listening and believing these words are devastating.

The other challenging aspect of dysthymia is the battle between numbness and over-reaction. Typically, I am very detached from my emotions, feeling blah the majority of the time. If there happens to be a trigger however, I can go from 0 to 10 in a matter of milliseconds. There is really no natural balance for me. I need to always be aware of my physical cues so I can attempt to short circuit my emotions before eruption. Not an easy task.

I relate to the New Testament stories of possession, especially the story found in Mark 5 about the man who lives in the caves. Let's face it, this guy is miserable. He doesn't knows that something is wrong, that something in him has taken control. This guy even does cutting with a sharp stone. When Jesus arrives, the "demons" are cast out into a herd of pigs, who consequently commit suicide. After this, the man is "normal." I used to get mad at the stories of faith healing like this. Very often, people are healed with the statement about how their faith has made this possible. In this case, that doesn't happen with the man being instructed to stay in his town and share his story. Biblical stories of faith healing make me mad because I have often wanted that for myself. I have prayed for immediate relief from my "demon" and it hasn't happened. Maybe my faith isn't strong enough? However, I'm also told that all I need is faith the size of a mustard seed. I believe I have that much faith. So what's wrong with me?

I've come to realize that nothing is wrong with me. In fact, acceptance of my depression is in effect a "faith healing." Because I have accepted it, I no longer fight with myself to feel "normal." I no longer worry that I don't feel things like I think other people do. It's OK for me to be who I am. This doesn't give me an excuse to stop working and strengthening myself. Actually the opposite is true: accepting my diagnosis actually motivates me to continue my work. My faith has made me strong and helped me realize that I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. And isn't that the real message of the faith healings; that no matter how desperate or awful you feel, you are never alone. The Spirit of Jesus is always with you, comforting and strengthening you.

The Things People Say

I continue to be amazed at the things people will say. The things they say that I know they think are supportive or compassionate but are actually judgmental and condescending. Yeah, that's a hard one to figure out. And to be clear, I know that I've done it too. I've put my foot in my mouth in the attempt to be supportive and kind. However, I hope that I have had the presence and compassion to remember that although my intent is important, how the other person interpreted it is even more important. For me, that is the key. To remember that the outcome is more important than the intent. If the outcome caused harm, it doesn't matter how good the intent. Personally, I hope that someday that I master that lesson because I know that I continue to fail and unintentionally hurt others.

Having said that, I have also been on the receiving end of such "good intentions." Recently, I met with someone with whom I have been in conflict. It was astonishing to me the things that were said. Things that I know were intended to show "acceptance" but instead revealed manipulation and judgment. And when you are trying to re-establish the bare bones of a relationship, that's a hard thing to point out. Especially when the topic is that of chronic depression.

I never imagined that depression still had such a stigma attached to it. It has been a rude awakening to realize that. If you've never lived with a disease such as depression, it is hard to imagine what it must be like just like I can't relate to what it must be like for my best friend to live her life as a paraplegic. However, I can be empathetic with her. I can respect and listen without judgment to her experiences. And I can see her as she really is - my dear friend. Yet, that is hard for some people; to see past the "disability" and truly see the person. That is what I'm living with right now and I don't like it, not one little bit (homage to Dr. Suess there).

It is crystal clear to me that I have people in my life who only see my depression. Because all they see is the depression, I have been totally lost as a person. Scariest of all is that it feels like it won't change. That no matter what I do or say, I will never be Catherine again. I will never be viewed as a PERSON living with depression, but as depression. Why do I feel that way? Because these people are drawing conclusions and assumptions about my behaviors, intentions, and words based on the fact that I have a diagnosis of depression. And until they realize how hurtful and unfair that is, there is really nothing that I can do. At times, I wonder if even setting the boundary of saying - you can no longer talk about my depression - would even work. Frankly, I think it would be viewed as a form of denial on my part.

What I take comfort in is that I know myself and I know that no matter what, I am a child of God. God loves me no matter what others think about me, say to me, or do to me. Sticks and stone do break my bones and actually words do hurt me even more. However, God is my protector, my shield and helps me hold my head up high. I am God's precious creation and I am good.

Putting It In Neutral

Experts tell us that conflict is neutral. Apparently, these experts have never been smack dab in the middle of an icky, emotion-filled conflict where real people with real feelings are hurt. Of course, that's an unfair comment. We know that the experts have been in conflict and by labeling conflict as neutral, it does take the power and fear away from it. Conflict, if handled correctly, leads to great things. But it's scary.

Being in the middle of some very intense conflict currently is very interesting. I sometimes try to put myself into the role of an objective observer to see if I can gain new perspective. Why? Because in my opinion, that is one of the biggest barriers to resolution. Each party gets so entrenched in trying to prove they are right and the other person is wrong that it's easy to lose sight of what is important - loving each other.

Jesus talks about the two great commandments: love God and love your neighbor. At first, these seem like two different commands - worship God and be good to your neighbor. However, I think they are intertwined with each other as well. Of course we should love God with all our heart, mind, and soul. But each and every one of us is a precious creation of God. By loving our neighbor, we also love God.

Jesus takes the command to love our neighbor even one step further and says we should love our enemy. That is the challenge. When I am locked in a bitter dispute where I feel I have been wronged, I want to others to feel my pain as intensely as I have. I want them to experience exactly what I have so they can get a taste of their own medicine. But that's not my job. It's not my job to punish my neighbor for hurting me. That falls into God's responsibilities. Here, loving my enemy neighbor glorifies God and helps me to be a better servant. I fail miserably at this. I'm lucky that we have a God who is patient, who is willing to let me fail so that I can learn this lesson. A God who still loves me no matter what. Conflict is neutral: loving the person you are in conflict with helps us remember that.

Labels

I think labels are interesting. In our society, we are so quick to assign labels to people: are you African-American or Caucasian; male or female; married, single or divorced? As part of many of the training classes that I facilitate, participants take self-assessments in order to discover their strengths or traits. There can be real value to labels. It can bring opportunities for discussion and self-awareness. But there is a danger to labels as well. Especially if we start to see people as ENFPs, or 39 year-old, white, mother of two instead of Catherine. To take it a step further, if we expect people to act in certain ways BECAUSE of the labels we assign instead of allowing them to just be themselves.

In Galatians 3:28 Paul writes this:

There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male or female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.

Powerful words. One of the challenges that Paul faced during his mission trips was labeling of one group from another. Because of these labels, people were judged either more or less worthy. Eloquently, Paul reminds us that there is only one label that matters - child of God.

Recently, I have been reminded just how easy it is for labels to become more important than the person. I was talking with someone last week who has been in conflict with some others. Unfortunately, this conflict has become very divisive within the organization and two factions have emerged as a result. This is always a scary thing to have happen. As we were talking, it became clear to me that labels such as "trouble maker" had been given to some people. I shared this observation with the other person and reminded them that we don't know what's going on behind the scenes with people. There are so many things that influence behaviors that we have no idea. And by giving people the benefit of the doubt, seeing them and treating them as more than their assigned label, can have huge rewards for everyone.

It's not easy seeing others as fellow Children of God, especially if they have hurt you deeply. I speak from personal experience. You see, I've been labeled by some others. It's hard to be treated as your label instead of a person. I've become an object. Frankly, all words and behaviors are forced to fit my assigned label. It's a great lesson in empathy for me, that I need to always be challenging myself to see others as people and not labels. And that is one of my most regular prayers, to see others as Children of God and not who I think they are. It's not my job to label others without their permission. My job is to love and serve them.