The Things People Say

I continue to be amazed at the things people will say. The things they say that I know they think are supportive or compassionate but are actually judgmental and condescending. Yeah, that's a hard one to figure out. And to be clear, I know that I've done it too. I've put my foot in my mouth in the attempt to be supportive and kind. However, I hope that I have had the presence and compassion to remember that although my intent is important, how the other person interpreted it is even more important. For me, that is the key. To remember that the outcome is more important than the intent. If the outcome caused harm, it doesn't matter how good the intent. Personally, I hope that someday that I master that lesson because I know that I continue to fail and unintentionally hurt others.

Having said that, I have also been on the receiving end of such "good intentions." Recently, I met with someone with whom I have been in conflict. It was astonishing to me the things that were said. Things that I know were intended to show "acceptance" but instead revealed manipulation and judgment. And when you are trying to re-establish the bare bones of a relationship, that's a hard thing to point out. Especially when the topic is that of chronic depression.

I never imagined that depression still had such a stigma attached to it. It has been a rude awakening to realize that. If you've never lived with a disease such as depression, it is hard to imagine what it must be like just like I can't relate to what it must be like for my best friend to live her life as a paraplegic. However, I can be empathetic with her. I can respect and listen without judgment to her experiences. And I can see her as she really is - my dear friend. Yet, that is hard for some people; to see past the "disability" and truly see the person. That is what I'm living with right now and I don't like it, not one little bit (homage to Dr. Suess there).

It is crystal clear to me that I have people in my life who only see my depression. Because all they see is the depression, I have been totally lost as a person. Scariest of all is that it feels like it won't change. That no matter what I do or say, I will never be Catherine again. I will never be viewed as a PERSON living with depression, but as depression. Why do I feel that way? Because these people are drawing conclusions and assumptions about my behaviors, intentions, and words based on the fact that I have a diagnosis of depression. And until they realize how hurtful and unfair that is, there is really nothing that I can do. At times, I wonder if even setting the boundary of saying - you can no longer talk about my depression - would even work. Frankly, I think it would be viewed as a form of denial on my part.

What I take comfort in is that I know myself and I know that no matter what, I am a child of God. God loves me no matter what others think about me, say to me, or do to me. Sticks and stone do break my bones and actually words do hurt me even more. However, God is my protector, my shield and helps me hold my head up high. I am God's precious creation and I am good.