Who's in Charge Here?

I've been doing research on depression recently; more specifically dysthymia. I thought it was time for me to really and truly understand what I was living with on a daily basis. You see, I am officially diagnosed with double depression. Essentially, this means that I always have a low level of depression with periodic spikes of severe depression. In many ways, it's a scary thought to know that I will always have this disease and if I'm not careful, it will consume me. However, it's also comforting to actually put a name to what I have been feeling (or not feeling) for as long as I can remember. Now, I have a baseline for what normal is for me. And I also know that I will never be "cured" but will have to work to maintain "normal" and not slide backwards into the pit. This knowledge is actually empowering and freeing versus defeating. This is a huge paradigm shift for many people and may even seem like denial to some. However, I find it important to accept the reality of this situation which for me is recognizing that I will always have to fight against my own mind.

Living with dysthymia is in many ways like living with a constant critic in your head. This critic is always there to remind you of how worthless you are, to zap your energy, and to play a constant loop of thoughts that are usually negative. So everyday, I have to continuously remind myself to not listen to this critic. This is hard work because the critic is both persistent and easy to believe. And I know the consequences of me listening and believing these words are devastating.

The other challenging aspect of dysthymia is the battle between numbness and over-reaction. Typically, I am very detached from my emotions, feeling blah the majority of the time. If there happens to be a trigger however, I can go from 0 to 10 in a matter of milliseconds. There is really no natural balance for me. I need to always be aware of my physical cues so I can attempt to short circuit my emotions before eruption. Not an easy task.

I relate to the New Testament stories of possession, especially the story found in Mark 5 about the man who lives in the caves. Let's face it, this guy is miserable. He doesn't knows that something is wrong, that something in him has taken control. This guy even does cutting with a sharp stone. When Jesus arrives, the "demons" are cast out into a herd of pigs, who consequently commit suicide. After this, the man is "normal." I used to get mad at the stories of faith healing like this. Very often, people are healed with the statement about how their faith has made this possible. In this case, that doesn't happen with the man being instructed to stay in his town and share his story. Biblical stories of faith healing make me mad because I have often wanted that for myself. I have prayed for immediate relief from my "demon" and it hasn't happened. Maybe my faith isn't strong enough? However, I'm also told that all I need is faith the size of a mustard seed. I believe I have that much faith. So what's wrong with me?

I've come to realize that nothing is wrong with me. In fact, acceptance of my depression is in effect a "faith healing." Because I have accepted it, I no longer fight with myself to feel "normal." I no longer worry that I don't feel things like I think other people do. It's OK for me to be who I am. This doesn't give me an excuse to stop working and strengthening myself. Actually the opposite is true: accepting my diagnosis actually motivates me to continue my work. My faith has made me strong and helped me realize that I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. And isn't that the real message of the faith healings; that no matter how desperate or awful you feel, you are never alone. The Spirit of Jesus is always with you, comforting and strengthening you.