Confronting the Brutal Facts

Emotional abuse. Non-sexual clergy abuse. Psychological abuse. Spiritual abuse. Icky, icky words, yet it is happening within our churches. But what is even scarier is that church leadership is ignoring it. The results are people are leaving churches with their faith and trust shattered. How do you regain trust after being betrayed by ordained clergy? Aren’t these the people whom you are supposed to trust?

In my opinion, what is so insidious about non-sexual clergy abuse is the secondary wounding that occurs. With me, the clergy that emotionally abused me was popular and charismatic. He exuded warmth, caring, and empathy. In front of people, he would say wonderful things about you, but it was a different story behind closed doors. Without witnesses, the attacks were personal and manipulative. When someone knows your most intimate secrets and buttons, they have a lot of power. When they use that knowledge as a weapon against you, it is horrific. My sense of self was shattered like a glass dropped on a tile floor. Although I am gluing the pieces back together, I will never be the same. There will always be parts of me that will be weaker. The joints that have been glued back together will show like scars.

Like many denominations, mine has extensive rules and guidelines related to sexual misconduct. They even admit that this is not a widespread problem, yet have spent countless hours assuring that both they and congregation members are protected from this threat. On their website, their first statements are related to how the “victim” should be treated. According to them, care of the victim is paramount. Victims are afforded confidentiality, pastoral counseling to help them realize it was not their fault, and they are made aware of every step that will be taken prior to it being taken. It’s interesting that one of their statements says that in order to address this issue, victims need to have the courage to come forward.

While the denomination has detailed information related to sexual misconduct, emotional and spiritual (non-sexual misconduct) is nowhere to be found. The effects on the person are just as traumatic, although in a different way, yet the church refuses to address this much more prevalent threat to the life of the church. I had the courage to come forward with my story and found excuses, blaming the victim, and shunning. I have experienced betrayal and rules changed to fit inappropriate behavior instead. In addition, avoidance has been the name of the game. Through it all, I have been made to feel that I am overreacting. I’m too emotional and “time is needed to heal.” From my perspective, this is disrespectful and patronizing.

It’s easy for others to say, “Well, just find another church.” “It’s time to let this go.” I do see their point of view. It is easy to let my hurt, shame, need for justice or even just my simple need for acknowledgment of my experience to consume me. I know that people experience much worse things than I have. I know the church is full of hypocrites. I know the problem is their inability to confront the brutal facts that have been presented to them. However, that still does not negate the fact that I have been hurt to the very core of my being. I have experienced betrayal from the very people that should know better. It does cause me to ask what is God’s purpose in this all? Maybe that’s the next part of this journey. What I do know is that there is a crisis within many churches, and it’s not just limited to evangelical and fundamentalist denominations. My wounding happened within the most liberal branch of the Lutheran church and within the most liberal church within my community. And if those of us who have been mistreated, wounded, and abused do not have the courage to stand up, this will never change. Healing. I know it will come. I just wish the process was less painful and quicker.