Hypocrisy

There are days I feel like a hypocrite. Yesterday was one of those days. I received a Caring Bridge link for someone whose young daughter is going through cancer treatment. Caring Bridge is a great site and way to keep large number of people up-to-date during crises. One of the features I really enjoy is the ability to go on and leave a message for the family. I appreciate this because frankly, I have the best of intentions for sending cards to people, but fail miserably in actually doing it. So yesterday, I found myself going on this Caring Bridge and leaving a message of support for this family. In it I shared my favorite pieces of comfort: when God feels the furthest, God’s not. It is during this time that God, through the Spirit, is holding your heart in precious embrace.

And as I wrote this I thought – HYPOCRITE.

You see, I’ve been going through this period where I have cut myself off from God. I have enough theology to know that God has not abandoned me, it is me that has shut my heart to God. Why have I distanced myself from God? Well there are many reasons. I have been betrayed by a number of clergy recently. I’ve lost my faith family. I’ve lost relationships with people who I thought were friends. The thread that runs through this whole experience has been this all happened with people who proclaim to be Christians. Last week was the tipping point for me. I got fed with the hypocrisy of church leaders, who say one thing and then do the complete opposite; who refuse to address issues but instead hide behind labels and positions. I shut myself off to God because of these people’s actions. Frankly, I’m surprised it’s taken this long for it to happen.

Then I wrote those words of comfort to this family dealing with extraordinary tragedy and it hit me – this is also what I needed to hear. I too needed to be reminded that I can’t feel God’s presence because God is holding my heart in precious embrace. With this realization, I found my heart softening to God a bit. I found myself reaching out in prayer for the first time in many weeks. I know the Spirit is at work, reminding me that I am not alone. God did not cause God’s servants to hurt me. This is their own free will, their own personal fears and insecurities that cause them to wound me and prevent them from reaching out to me as a fellow member of the Body of Christ. However, God still loves and cares for me and good will continue to come out of this experience. The Spirit also reminds me that they are also God’s precious creations, simultaneously saint and sinner, just like me.

How will this part of the journey end? I don’t know. What I do know is that parts of it will continue to test my personal strength, faith, and my ability to forgive others for what they have done to me. As I work to break through my protective walls, I hope that I can see them in the same way I want them to see me – as a precious child of God and a fellow member of the Body of Christ.