Reclaiming Myself

I took a big step this week. For the first time, I did not protect my offenders and wrote honestly about what had transpired: the manipulation, the boundary violations, the judgment by so many people. I still have a hard time believing that this would happen in church, and led by a pastor. Man. Even though I understand the difference between the vocation and the people called to serve in them, I still scratch my head. How can so many ordained clergy behave in such a disrespectful way? In such a way that is in direct conflict to Jesus' message to us. I have a hard time believing that any of them would want to be treated the way that I have been. But it's easy to justify my view because I feel wounded.

One of the things that weighs most heavily on me is I am almost certain that I will not receive a response. Avoidance - that's the name of the game. Of course, I don't even know what I would do if I did receive a response. In my wildest dreams, I envision an apology. Would that be enough? That is what is the scariest to ponder: I know that an apology wouldn't be enough. I don't think there is "enough" right now to make it right. There is no way that I will probably ever be able to worship there again. I can't go back and change the past. However, an acknowledgment that I got screwed (not such a church-y word is it) could be healing.

The one thing that I do know is that I truly have to look at this as the end. I need to find a way to make this my "endings" experience. If I don't, I'll be stuck in this neutral zone forever. My own personal desert. I hate hot. I hate being thirsty. I hate being sun burned. I hate the desert. It's time to start moving towards the Promised Land. Start looking towards the new path, which is wonderful. A place where I can celebrate my strengths versus being afraid of using them. A place where I am nurtured honestly, not just because it's expected. I am closer to the Promised Land than I was and probably closer than I think. I just have to claim it for myself!