Meeting Other's Where They Are. . .

Today I'm thinking about grief. I know; it's a funny subject to be thinking about during the holiday season yet; it's what's on my mind. I think it's because I know so many people dealing with substantial changes in their lives. And with change comes death to something else. And with death, comes grief. This is true whether the change is good or bad; planned or unplanned; wanted or not wanted. Change brings death to something else.

The question that enters my mind is why "we" are so reluctant to let people grieve? Is it because seeing someone else in grief reminds us of our own unresolved pain? Is it because grief is so raw? Is it that we believe that we don't have a right to grieve? Of course, I don't have the answer to any of these questions. But I do know that when I am in pain, to not receive empathy or to be told that I have past the point when I should still be in pain is extraordinarily hurtful. In fact, it just adds to the pain because on top of my original pain, I now feel guilty and ashamed for having not moved on. So then I lie. When people ask how I am doing, I just plain out lie and say "good" For me, "good" is always code for "I feel AWFUL."

So what to do. . .

I was recently talking with someone whose husband unexpectedly asked for a divorce three weeks ago. She already has people suggesting to her that she should move on. Why? Because obviously, the marriage is over. While I know the people who are saying these things are trying to help, it's not their place. I had people say this to me to as I was in the early stages of dealing with my betrayal. "Just get over it." "You know, you are just going to have to accept this and move on." Or my absolute favorite (she says with sarcastic tone) "Let it go." I HATE that phrase. I hate all those phrases because they imply that I can't grieve on my time table. No one else can create a timetable for someone else to grieve. It's just that simple.

I know what you may be thinking "Catherine, there comes a point when you need a good swift kick in the butt. You are letting it overtake your life." I agree that we all need truth tellers in our life who will help us see things with perspective. However, truth tellers also have a responsibility to tell the truth without blame or judgment. For me, that means not telling someone it's time to "let it go." It means helping them see their path, not the path that I think they should take.

It's often said that friends are those who walk in when others are walking out. From my experience, this is a true friend. When you are in deep pain, they don't question why you are in pain, they are just there. They meet you where you are and walk WITH you. In 1 Corinthians 12, the apostle Paul uses the metaphor of a human body when talking about the Church and it's members. In one verse, he says that when one member of the body suffers, all suffer. Subsequently, when we ignore another's pain, we cause ourselves prolonged pain as well. Being a fellow member of the Body of Christ means doing what we can to help heal other parts. In a world full of suffering, we can bring the promised relief or wiping away of tears by just being an emotionally safe place for those in need. We can provide rest for the weary and help ease another's burden for just a short time. It is in that place that true fellowship and love exists.

Ramblings on Oz

Last night, my family watched that Christmas classic The Wizard of Oz. I say that tongue in cheek because I don't necessarily equate The Wizard of Oz with Christmas. But hey, CBS used to run it every Easter so it could considered a "holiday classic." Right?

Anyway, I have to say I do enjoy this movie. I'm not obsessed with it like some people, but it does speak to me on many different levels. How often do we wish to go somewhere else because where we isn't working for us? Wouldn't it be great to have a yellow brick road to follow? How about companions on your journey, providing you help and support?

We often look for easy answers to solve our problems. Going over the rainbow to a new and glorious place seems so tempting at times, but it is not the answer. So often the problems follow us and continue to plague us just like the Wicked Witch of the East. The problem doesn't go away until we take responsibility to solve it. And like Dorothy, the answer is usually within us the whole time. Sometimes we just need to take our own journey through corn fields, apple orchards, and scary forests to find it. Because maybe the things we encounter along the path are what help us discover what IS within us.

Check Please

I read recently that if you have a bad experience at a restaurant, you usually don’t totally give up eating. Honestly, that would be a bit ridiculous. However, this is typically what happens when someone has been wounded by a church. Not only do we give up on church, we give up on God. Now I’m not implying that churches and restaurants provide the same type of “service” however, there is a component of customer service within the church. In fact, it’s what the church is built on – serving our neighbor.

When I think of my church experience, I could equate it to a restaurant. This church was “recommended” by a friend, so my family and I went. We liked what was on the menu, we liked the service, and we liked the people so we did what anybody does when they have a good experience, we came back. But when I started having bad experiences (or bad “service”), it was my fault. So I do what many consumers do, I voted with my feet. But I missed the menu, service and people, so I thought I would try it again. However, the “service” still was disappointing. Again, it was my fault.

Can you imagine going to a restaurant and having the restaurant manager tell you that you were at fault for the bad service? You were too direct, your expectations were too high, and you weren’t patient enough. They probably wouldn’t stay in business very long. Yet, this is exactly what so many churches do. When there is a problem, the person who brings the problem IS the problem. It begs the question – is this good customer service?

I know that many of you are thinking: Catherine, this is the church you’re talking about, not some business. In some respects, that is true. However, churches do provide an important service and honestly, a product. In fact, we could say that churches have many products from spiritual growth to mission work in the community. We advertise that our churches provide fellowship, a relationship with God, grace, forgiveness, and much more. So whose fault is it when we, as “customers” are disappointed in our experience?

I would say it’s a shared responsibility. We, as members of the church, advertise based on God’s direction. We do set the expectation. When we fail the meet those expectations, each party has a part in coming to an agreement. There needs to be honest discussions that are solution-focused and Spirit-driven. It is then and only then that expectations can be reset and resolution can happen.

We don’t do this well. It is easier to ignore the problem or make the person bringing forward the problem THE problem. If the person goes away, so will the problem. I have to believe that this is not the type of “customer service” that Jesus preached. We all have a responsibility to keep the church healthy. We must have the courage to both address conflict and resolve it. Otherwise, consumers will continue to vote with their feet. And when that happens, nobody wins.

Who's Pain is Greater?

I had the opportunity to hear the most amazing speaker last night. This gentleman was parent of three bi-polar children. He has a brother who has schizophrenia, he lost his wife to cancer, and he himself has both ADHD and a mood disorder. One of the things that he related in his story were things that he had learned, specifically to not judge our own pain in relation to his. His reasoning was that everyone's pain is individual and by comparing pains, we often times minimize our own and then, cannot deal with it.

This really resonated with me as I continue down my healing path. It is easy for me to minimize my own experience, especially since I have felt that at times, others has discounted my experiences. It's true that if we deny our experiences, we can actually lengthen the time it takes to heal. Acknowledging pain and hurt is healthy. It's when we allow ourselves to be consumed with it that it becomes unhealthy. For me, that is always the balance I am trying to achieve.