Lessons Learned

Tomorrow I mark a one-year anniversary. It’s the day that started me down a path of discovering who I truly was, who my friends truly were, and where God existed for me. The path has been dark, scary, and filled with many unforeseen obstacles, some of which have left me more deeply wounded than I was at first. It’s a path I never expected to be on and certainly not one I would have voluntarily chosen. Never the less, it’s the one that I have to take. If I don’t continue to walk it, one step at a time, I will be forever lost on it. As I reflect on both the overwhelming darkness and brilliant bursts of light that have been along this path, I know I have learned much that has ultimately made me wiser. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Of the lessons I learned, these are the ones that stand out for me:

True friends stick by you no matter what.
It’s easy to say that you love and care for a person, but it doesn’t mean squat if you don’t back it up with actions. I saw a number of people this last year who thought saying “I care for you” could excuse any words or behaviors, no matter how hurtful. It doesn’t. True friends want to work it out; they want to hear what you have to say; they want to take responsibility for their actions. As the old adage goes: actions speak louder than words.

Assumptions truly to make an ass out of u and me.
I’ve been guilty of assuming this year. I can take responsibility for that. I have been on the receiving end of some assumptions too. And it hurts. I have been repeatedly told how I am feeling or should be feeling; how I will behave; or what my mental state is. Of course, no one except ourselves can truly know this stuff, yet I had people who thought it was their place to tell me all these things and more.

Just because people preach the Word of God, doesn’t mean they LIVE it.
This one is probably pretty self-explanatory. And very sad when you think about it.

There is a difference between truth-telling and judgment.
This is a hard one for me. I continually strive to tell the truth without blame or judgment, and believe I will continue to work on this for the rest of my life. Finding the balance of compassionate truthfulness is hard for many people. During this past year, I have more than one person judge me under the auspice of truth-telling. Much like the assumptions lesson, this one hurts as it has left me feeling emotionally abandoned by those who I thought knew better. In crises, you really do discover who are your friends and who are your “frienemies.”

I am stronger and more resilient than I ever thought.
I have survived something extraordinarily painful. I liken myself to a plate that has been dropped and broken. I am slowly being glued back together and will be restored to beauty and functionality. However, I will always bear the scars from this experience. There will always be parts of me that are weaker and need to be handled with care. Bottom line: I will be restored!

God is in it all!
I found God within the walls of a church. Since my shunning, I have found God everywhere. The face of Jesus exists among so many people; the Spirit dwells in so many places. Even in what I call my “Abraham moments” when I yelled at God asking God what the “bleep” was going on, I never felt God pull away from me. In fact, it was during those moments when God felt closet to me. I yearn for the fellowship, community, and overall sense of belonging that comes from being a congregant. However, I know that God does not just dwell within the walls of a Church, but is in the world. That also means that I can serve God anywhere, not just within the Church. And that gives me great comfort as well.

I continue to hope and prayer for healing, peace, and courage as I continue towards the light that I see at the end of this part of my life journey. Maybe even some day, I can remember this day with gratitude, along with the sadness. Deep in my heart, I will always be a person of hope.

My Word for the Year!

It’s New Year’s Day. The start of a new year. Whew! I have to admit that I am glad that 2008 is OVER. What a tumultuous year that was. I know that God is not supposed to give you more than you will handle, but as is often said, I think God has a little too much confidence in me.

I’m not one for making New Year’s resolutions. Never have been. I think it’s because I know that most likely, I won’t keep them. And I certainly don’t need another thing to beat myself up about. However, I was reading a blog that I follow and saw an awesome idea. Instead of making a list of resolutions, choose a word to guide your year. This is an idea that I can sign on too. The blogger had a list of words to choose from and encouraged readers to place their word for the year in the comment section – to get it out in the universe. I decided to put some meat around it and place it in my own blog. So here it is – my word for 2009 is . . . . .(drum roll please!)

RELEASE!

After these last couple of years, I need to release a lot of stuff: emotional, physical, and spiritual. I like this word better than the phrase “let it go” which has actually become a negative word for me. Although “release” is a close cousin to “let it go,” I like the visual this word paints for me. Think about it, we often release something that has been trapped. Release implies freedom. It implies empowerment. It brings gratitude to the one released. Release . . .it’s an invitation not a command.

I’m going to blog regularly about my progress on living the word release. I’m excited about the prospect of what being the word release will mean to my life. Blessings for wonderful 2009!