Random Musings . . .

It had been a long time since I last blogged. I really have no good excuse except I felt as though I had no insights to work through or share. In fact, my mind has felt foggy for quite a while now. It’s something that frustrates me greatly. I relish being able to tame my wild mind into logical and sequential thoughts that I can make sense of. I find great comfort in being able to analyze and discover epiphanies.

I know this is a side effect of the med changes I’ve been undergoing the past five months. First, an unsuccessful attempt at a new med. My body just said – nope, ain’t going to happen. After suffering through withdrawal symptoms and a definite downward slide into the pit, I went back onto the meds I was on. A big feeling of disappointment. Even though I intellectually know this was not my fault, but my body chemistry at work, I still have felt defeated. It’s hard to admit that.

Contributing to the struggle, I have discovered the extent of the betrayal I experienced at the hands of a trust Pastor. I’ve known for awhile that he talked about things he shouldn’t have; passed off his insecurities and assumptions as “the truth.” But I had been in denial at just how insidious and frankly, wrong his actions were. I continue to be amazed at the people who continue to protect him and justify his actions. It’s easy to make me out as the enemy or discount my perspective because I live with a mental illness. All too common a defense when someone takes advantage of another. And sad that someone is so fragile they feel they have to discredit and tear down another person.

However, there is victory in the knowledge that now I know. I know how wrong this person’s actions are and it really doesn’t matter if others believe me. While I have to live with the consequences and shame, I constantly remind myself that I don’t have to live the fact I hurt someone else so deeply. I didn’t protect someone or participate in the attacks. I have to turn this over to the great Power and be patient that what comes around, goes around.