There are times when I feel so strongly about advocating for those who have been mistreated for really any reason. Especially those who have been pushed out because someone else targeted them. And then I have days like today where I think I am still not healed enough to be truly effective. If I don’t feel heard, I just keep pushing and pushing. Maybe that’s a good thing. But I think it’s also important to know when to stop pushing. To just shine the light and let go of the outcome.
As I self-evaluate, I think it may be due to the fact I have often felt so alone in my struggles. While people may support me one-on-one, they do not go to bat very often for me when it truly matters. Since I am so used to carry my burdens alone, I am very tenancies and persistent in my pursuit of justice. However, passion overused becomes obsession. It’s a very tenuous line to walk. Maybe this is where it’s important to pray and listen for the Spirit’s guidance. This is an important lesson for me to focus on for the future.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
You Asked For It!
I’m currently doing lots of research about workplace bullying for my master’s program. Especially interesting is the different ways bullies and/or organizations respond to a target’s report of bullying. Overwhelmingly, targets are not believed. Scary. After months of enduring psychological torture that eats away at the very core of your being, you are told it didn’t happen. It couldn’t have happened. You are too sensitive, crazy, or deserved it somehow.
Sounds a lot like how reports of rape used to be treated.
In my own experience, I have been totally discounted by the leaders at the church. My bully was a popular and charismatic pastor who presented a compassionate persona. He seemed to embody the very essence of the servant or Level 5 leader. His sermons were inspiring, motivating people to live Church beyond Sunday morning and into the week.
But behind closed doors, it was a different story. This empathetic and selfless person turned into a manipulative, cruel monster. He had the most unbelievable ability to discover your soft underbelly and lodge multiple attacks at it. When you tried to protect or stand up for yourself, all of sudden, you were the problem. “You didn’t hear me right.” “You can’t take feedback.” “You have to decide why I have so much power over you.” Or my favorite, “You need to hear this. It’s for your own good.” This of course was followed by, “I love and care for you.” Yes, the Jekyll and Hyde bully is a tough one. Especially since once confronted, they become the victim.
When I finally spoke up, I was told by others that I had hurt him so badly. He had been so gracious to me and this is how I repaid him. I was told my side was wrong – I was told this by someone who wasn’t even present. I had one of my former teammates (who also happens to be a pastor) that I should be coming back asking for mercy and forgiveness. And my favorite, my depression made me see things incorrectly or made me too sensitive. Ahh yes, she’s crazy. You see, if you can blame the victim, then your actions weren’t wrong, cruel, or unethical. It’s her fault.
Believe me, that message was certainly drilled into me. I left that job and church feeling as though I was the biggest waste of skin to ever walk the face of the earth. I should be thankful they ever let me amongst them. And I should be ashamed at how I took advantage of the support and kindness they freely offered to me.
I understand that each of us is simultaneously saint and sinner. Every day we wage a battle against our sinful self and hope it doesn’t win. But here’s the thing, we all make mistakes. We all let the critical voices, the insecurities, and fears control us sometimes. If can’t admit when that happens, however, we hurt both ourselves and others. I truly believe the denial of my former pastor stems from his inability to admit his sinful self was in control. It was easier to project his sin onto me. If he could transfer is sin to me and then cast me out into the wilderness, than he could continue on. But here’s the problem, you can’t transfer your sin to someone else. You may momentarily be able to convince yourself the demons aren’t there, but they will resurface. Only this time, they will be stronger and harder to deny. In fact, they will disguise themselves as truth, love, and servanthood. A veritable bevy of wolves in sheep’s clothing. And that’s what makes them so insidious.
So what’s the answer? Well, for those of us who are targets, it’s constantly reminding ourselves that we did nothing to deserve our treatment. No one deserves to be psychological abused or tortured. Ethical people build you up, even when addressing tough stuff. Also, remember that often what the bully is saying to us, they are truly saying to themselves. It’s not about us, it’s about them and their insecurities and fears. If we acknowledge that, we can begin the process of rebuilding our core self and reclaim the Divine goodness that lives within us all.
Sounds a lot like how reports of rape used to be treated.
In my own experience, I have been totally discounted by the leaders at the church. My bully was a popular and charismatic pastor who presented a compassionate persona. He seemed to embody the very essence of the servant or Level 5 leader. His sermons were inspiring, motivating people to live Church beyond Sunday morning and into the week.
But behind closed doors, it was a different story. This empathetic and selfless person turned into a manipulative, cruel monster. He had the most unbelievable ability to discover your soft underbelly and lodge multiple attacks at it. When you tried to protect or stand up for yourself, all of sudden, you were the problem. “You didn’t hear me right.” “You can’t take feedback.” “You have to decide why I have so much power over you.” Or my favorite, “You need to hear this. It’s for your own good.” This of course was followed by, “I love and care for you.” Yes, the Jekyll and Hyde bully is a tough one. Especially since once confronted, they become the victim.
When I finally spoke up, I was told by others that I had hurt him so badly. He had been so gracious to me and this is how I repaid him. I was told my side was wrong – I was told this by someone who wasn’t even present. I had one of my former teammates (who also happens to be a pastor) that I should be coming back asking for mercy and forgiveness. And my favorite, my depression made me see things incorrectly or made me too sensitive. Ahh yes, she’s crazy. You see, if you can blame the victim, then your actions weren’t wrong, cruel, or unethical. It’s her fault.
Believe me, that message was certainly drilled into me. I left that job and church feeling as though I was the biggest waste of skin to ever walk the face of the earth. I should be thankful they ever let me amongst them. And I should be ashamed at how I took advantage of the support and kindness they freely offered to me.
I understand that each of us is simultaneously saint and sinner. Every day we wage a battle against our sinful self and hope it doesn’t win. But here’s the thing, we all make mistakes. We all let the critical voices, the insecurities, and fears control us sometimes. If can’t admit when that happens, however, we hurt both ourselves and others. I truly believe the denial of my former pastor stems from his inability to admit his sinful self was in control. It was easier to project his sin onto me. If he could transfer is sin to me and then cast me out into the wilderness, than he could continue on. But here’s the problem, you can’t transfer your sin to someone else. You may momentarily be able to convince yourself the demons aren’t there, but they will resurface. Only this time, they will be stronger and harder to deny. In fact, they will disguise themselves as truth, love, and servanthood. A veritable bevy of wolves in sheep’s clothing. And that’s what makes them so insidious.
So what’s the answer? Well, for those of us who are targets, it’s constantly reminding ourselves that we did nothing to deserve our treatment. No one deserves to be psychological abused or tortured. Ethical people build you up, even when addressing tough stuff. Also, remember that often what the bully is saying to us, they are truly saying to themselves. It’s not about us, it’s about them and their insecurities and fears. If we acknowledge that, we can begin the process of rebuilding our core self and reclaim the Divine goodness that lives within us all.
Monday, July 6, 2009
All Are Welcome* (*Except those who . . .)
Let’s face it; most of us want to be part of a group. It starts in elementary school and continues through the rest of our lives. In my neighborhood, there are a group of women who spend a weekend in the cities to “get away.” I’m never invited. I’d like to say it doesn’t bother me, but it does. You see, I’ve been on the outside looking in for much of my life. Feeling excluded – tough stuff.
As I’ve been researching for my capstone on workplace bullying, I come across some interesting information on the power of exclusion and the damage it inflicts on the one being excluded. Here is just a small sampling:
So, excluding someone or giving them the silent treatment is truly akin to beating the person up. However, the bruises and scars can’t be seen. That’s what makes it so insidious.
As I reflect on my church experience, I can tell you the ostracizing and rejection has been the most painful. Although I don’t like it, I can handle flat out, in-your-face aggression much better than the passive-aggressive attack of silence. It screams at me, letting me know I don’t matter. And really, isn’t that the intent. It’s an extraordinarily powerful punishment.
Lewis Smedes wrote an excellent book entitled “Shame and Grace.” In this book, he talks about our greatest fear regarding shame is rejection by a community. BINGO! Rejecting someone by refusing to acknowledge their existence sends a clear message – there is something wrong with YOU. Not your actions, not your behaviors, but YOU. YOU are so horrible that I refuse to even acknowledge your very existence.
If you Google “shunning by church” or “church discipline”, the majority (and dare I say all) of the responses relate to conservative or evangelical churches. A minister or elder judges someone’s actions to be sinful and takes in upon themselves to demand repentance or expulsion from the church body. But here’s the ugly truth – it happens in liberal congregations as well. But, their actions are much more covert and passive aggressive. Often, the liberal congregations just make it so hostile that it is impossible to worship there. They stonewall you, prevent you from participating, and spread rumors about you. Some will even break ethical codes to share things with other to recruit others to help them in their campaign to let you know you are not worthy or welcome.
This is not what Jesus preaches. And it is wrong.
Jesus embraced those whom society and the synagogues deemed unworthy and rejected. Jesus did most of his work in the streets, not in the temple. I often wonder if Jesus would enter many of churches today, overturn tables, and call many of the leaders and members hypocrites. Jesus preached a Gospel of inclusion, of acceptance, and of love.
Last time I checked, there was no asterisk to Jesus’ message. All are loved because they are precious creations of God. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul; love your neighbor as yourself. That's all we really need.
As I’ve been researching for my capstone on workplace bullying, I come across some interesting information on the power of exclusion and the damage it inflicts on the one being excluded. Here is just a small sampling:
"Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done. Some purposely hurt others by not inviting them to a party or ignoring them at work, and others may not even realize they are ostracizing someone when they ignore a new temporary employee or a friend after a disagreement.”
"The anterior cingulate cortex is the part of the brain that detects pain. When you give someone the silent treatment you are causing that person physical pain. Simply by ignoring someone else’s existence you can inflict pain on them.”
So, excluding someone or giving them the silent treatment is truly akin to beating the person up. However, the bruises and scars can’t be seen. That’s what makes it so insidious.
As I reflect on my church experience, I can tell you the ostracizing and rejection has been the most painful. Although I don’t like it, I can handle flat out, in-your-face aggression much better than the passive-aggressive attack of silence. It screams at me, letting me know I don’t matter. And really, isn’t that the intent. It’s an extraordinarily powerful punishment.
Lewis Smedes wrote an excellent book entitled “Shame and Grace.” In this book, he talks about our greatest fear regarding shame is rejection by a community. BINGO! Rejecting someone by refusing to acknowledge their existence sends a clear message – there is something wrong with YOU. Not your actions, not your behaviors, but YOU. YOU are so horrible that I refuse to even acknowledge your very existence.
If you Google “shunning by church” or “church discipline”, the majority (and dare I say all) of the responses relate to conservative or evangelical churches. A minister or elder judges someone’s actions to be sinful and takes in upon themselves to demand repentance or expulsion from the church body. But here’s the ugly truth – it happens in liberal congregations as well. But, their actions are much more covert and passive aggressive. Often, the liberal congregations just make it so hostile that it is impossible to worship there. They stonewall you, prevent you from participating, and spread rumors about you. Some will even break ethical codes to share things with other to recruit others to help them in their campaign to let you know you are not worthy or welcome.
This is not what Jesus preaches. And it is wrong.
Jesus embraced those whom society and the synagogues deemed unworthy and rejected. Jesus did most of his work in the streets, not in the temple. I often wonder if Jesus would enter many of churches today, overturn tables, and call many of the leaders and members hypocrites. Jesus preached a Gospel of inclusion, of acceptance, and of love.
Last time I checked, there was no asterisk to Jesus’ message. All are loved because they are precious creations of God. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul; love your neighbor as yourself. That's all we really need.
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