You Asked For It!

I’m currently doing lots of research about workplace bullying for my master’s program. Especially interesting is the different ways bullies and/or organizations respond to a target’s report of bullying. Overwhelmingly, targets are not believed. Scary. After months of enduring psychological torture that eats away at the very core of your being, you are told it didn’t happen. It couldn’t have happened. You are too sensitive, crazy, or deserved it somehow.

Sounds a lot like how reports of rape used to be treated.

In my own experience, I have been totally discounted by the leaders at the church. My bully was a popular and charismatic pastor who presented a compassionate persona. He seemed to embody the very essence of the servant or Level 5 leader. His sermons were inspiring, motivating people to live Church beyond Sunday morning and into the week.

But behind closed doors, it was a different story. This empathetic and selfless person turned into a manipulative, cruel monster. He had the most unbelievable ability to discover your soft underbelly and lodge multiple attacks at it. When you tried to protect or stand up for yourself, all of sudden, you were the problem. “You didn’t hear me right.” “You can’t take feedback.” “You have to decide why I have so much power over you.” Or my favorite, “You need to hear this. It’s for your own good.” This of course was followed by, “I love and care for you.” Yes, the Jekyll and Hyde bully is a tough one. Especially since once confronted, they become the victim.

When I finally spoke up, I was told by others that I had hurt him so badly. He had been so gracious to me and this is how I repaid him. I was told my side was wrong – I was told this by someone who wasn’t even present. I had one of my former teammates (who also happens to be a pastor) that I should be coming back asking for mercy and forgiveness. And my favorite, my depression made me see things incorrectly or made me too sensitive. Ahh yes, she’s crazy. You see, if you can blame the victim, then your actions weren’t wrong, cruel, or unethical. It’s her fault.

Believe me, that message was certainly drilled into me. I left that job and church feeling as though I was the biggest waste of skin to ever walk the face of the earth. I should be thankful they ever let me amongst them. And I should be ashamed at how I took advantage of the support and kindness they freely offered to me.

I understand that each of us is simultaneously saint and sinner. Every day we wage a battle against our sinful self and hope it doesn’t win. But here’s the thing, we all make mistakes. We all let the critical voices, the insecurities, and fears control us sometimes. If can’t admit when that happens, however, we hurt both ourselves and others. I truly believe the denial of my former pastor stems from his inability to admit his sinful self was in control. It was easier to project his sin onto me. If he could transfer is sin to me and then cast me out into the wilderness, than he could continue on. But here’s the problem, you can’t transfer your sin to someone else. You may momentarily be able to convince yourself the demons aren’t there, but they will resurface. Only this time, they will be stronger and harder to deny. In fact, they will disguise themselves as truth, love, and servanthood. A veritable bevy of wolves in sheep’s clothing. And that’s what makes them so insidious.

So what’s the answer? Well, for those of us who are targets, it’s constantly reminding ourselves that we did nothing to deserve our treatment. No one deserves to be psychological abused or tortured. Ethical people build you up, even when addressing tough stuff. Also, remember that often what the bully is saying to us, they are truly saying to themselves. It’s not about us, it’s about them and their insecurities and fears. If we acknowledge that, we can begin the process of rebuilding our core self and reclaim the Divine goodness that lives within us all.