Meeting Other's Where They Are. . .

Today I'm thinking about grief. I know; it's a funny subject to be thinking about during the holiday season yet; it's what's on my mind. I think it's because I know so many people dealing with substantial changes in their lives. And with change comes death to something else. And with death, comes grief. This is true whether the change is good or bad; planned or unplanned; wanted or not wanted. Change brings death to something else.

The question that enters my mind is why "we" are so reluctant to let people grieve? Is it because seeing someone else in grief reminds us of our own unresolved pain? Is it because grief is so raw? Is it that we believe that we don't have a right to grieve? Of course, I don't have the answer to any of these questions. But I do know that when I am in pain, to not receive empathy or to be told that I have past the point when I should still be in pain is extraordinarily hurtful. In fact, it just adds to the pain because on top of my original pain, I now feel guilty and ashamed for having not moved on. So then I lie. When people ask how I am doing, I just plain out lie and say "good" For me, "good" is always code for "I feel AWFUL."

So what to do. . .

I was recently talking with someone whose husband unexpectedly asked for a divorce three weeks ago. She already has people suggesting to her that she should move on. Why? Because obviously, the marriage is over. While I know the people who are saying these things are trying to help, it's not their place. I had people say this to me to as I was in the early stages of dealing with my betrayal. "Just get over it." "You know, you are just going to have to accept this and move on." Or my absolute favorite (she says with sarcastic tone) "Let it go." I HATE that phrase. I hate all those phrases because they imply that I can't grieve on my time table. No one else can create a timetable for someone else to grieve. It's just that simple.

I know what you may be thinking "Catherine, there comes a point when you need a good swift kick in the butt. You are letting it overtake your life." I agree that we all need truth tellers in our life who will help us see things with perspective. However, truth tellers also have a responsibility to tell the truth without blame or judgment. For me, that means not telling someone it's time to "let it go." It means helping them see their path, not the path that I think they should take.

It's often said that friends are those who walk in when others are walking out. From my experience, this is a true friend. When you are in deep pain, they don't question why you are in pain, they are just there. They meet you where you are and walk WITH you. In 1 Corinthians 12, the apostle Paul uses the metaphor of a human body when talking about the Church and it's members. In one verse, he says that when one member of the body suffers, all suffer. Subsequently, when we ignore another's pain, we cause ourselves prolonged pain as well. Being a fellow member of the Body of Christ means doing what we can to help heal other parts. In a world full of suffering, we can bring the promised relief or wiping away of tears by just being an emotionally safe place for those in need. We can provide rest for the weary and help ease another's burden for just a short time. It is in that place that true fellowship and love exists.